Ay...

Nakita ko ang pics ng isa sa mga exes ko. At walang halong bitterness at kung anuman (Naman! Ang tagal na naming break!!! Milleniums na ang nakakalipas...Utang na loob!), isa lang ang nasabi ko...

'Ay, ba't ang panget na niya? Ano nangyari???'

Nalungkot ako bigla.

Pano na yan? 'Di na tuloy ako pwedeng maging proud 'nyan na naging kami at patay na patay ako sa kanya dati. Haaaay...oh well. Ganyan lang talaga ang buhay. Parang gulong, minsan nasusunog...

Takot ako sa karma pero nagpapakatotoo lang din ako...*sigh* Nakakalungkot talaga.

So. OK.

So.

Hindi ko alam kung saan kita ika-categorize sa buhay ko. Filled-up na ang slots for happy and gay friends. At kahit gay ka pa, hindi ka pa rin papasa dahil kasing straight ka ng buhok mong makapal! Ubos na rin ang slots for my closet and eskaparate gay friends. Wala ka na ring puwang for straight male friends (I can only have so much straight guy friends - they drive me nuts!). Hindi ko rin makitang 'kuya' material ka (kahit na papasa ka 'atang tito ko sa hitsura mo. Ya!).

So?

Hindi naman kita ma-consider na acquaintance lang. Kasi hindi naman tayo hi-hello friends who pass by each other in the corridors. Maraming gabi at almost madaling araw na rin tayong nag-uusap sa chat at sa fone. At maraming beses na 'ring sinimulan at tinapos ko ang araw na ikaw ang kasama at kausap ko.

So...

Ano na lang ba ang natira kundi ang non-platonic aspect of life? Pero hindi ko maisip na boyfriend-material ka. Dahil una, hindi ka swak sa 'template' ko. At pupusta ako sa Texas Holdem All-In na hindi mo rin ako type. Pero hindi ko rin naman pwedeng ikaila na nakakatuwa at nakakatawa ka. AS IN. Abnormal! Flip enough to shake hands with Cheer Bear and for Bibe to greet you good morneeeeeng!

So, OK.

For now, you're that guy I greet good morning to everyday na nagrereklamo kapag na-miss ko ang isang umaga na hindi ko ginawa with my perky rendition of 'good morneeeeeng'. For now, you're the guy who made me drive to downtown MN for the first time dahil lang inaantok ka. For now, you're the first person who called me brat. For now, ikaw ang taong napikon ko sa chat at the next day, nagtaka tayo pareho kung ba't parang buong umaga tayong 'di nag-usap. For now, you're that person who made me smile after my long hibernation...

OK.

For now you'll be that. And I'm OK. I'm perfectly OK with that. At least, after that crash and burn I had a month ago, you came out of nowhere and made it better. And that's something I can thank you for. And I thank God for.

So, OK. Thank you.

Spreeeeeeeng

Ewan ko ba. Kakaiba ang epekto sa akin ng spring. Parang feeling ko, 7-11 personified ako na 24hrs happy-happy-joy-joy. Hyper and skipping (kaya nga spreeeeeng...ay corny!) with that certain good feeling. I just love the weather and I'm glad snow is melting around me.

Spring is definitely something to thank about. Tapos na ang winter. Tapos na ang lamig. Tapos na ang melancholy. New season. And I guess, with it comes new beginning. Can't wait what this season is in store for me!

Yay! Welcome spreeeeeeeng!!!

Freeway

So after two thousand years (ekseherada!!!), I chanced upon your picture. I felt two things -dismay and disappointment. No more regret. No more hurt. No more sighs of thinking that I'm missing how things used to be. No more drama.

So maybe, two thousand years (AKA time) can remove all that crappy hurt in your system. And it does take time for the rationality to kick in and for your brain to say to your heart - "See? I was right!"

So maybe my mind was right. Fine. I made the right decision. I made the right choice. I guess it takes time to know and to be convinced.

It was like driving fast on a freeway and then suddenly realizing you have to take the exit -the nearest exit you can find just because you see that you're running low on gas and you seem to have no idea where the next exit will be. You weren't in the mood to get lost and to go on an adventure because aside from the fact that you've travelled long and far enough, until now, you still haven't seen any sure signs to your destination. You don't see the landmarks. You don't see the right signs. Instinct is telling you that you're going the wrong way and you have to go to the nearest gas station to fill-up your car and to ask for directions.

And you found the nearest exit and it was right by the corner. But it came too soon. You weren't prepared for it. You haven't slowed down carefully enough to take it but you slam on the breaks and turn the steering wheel anyway. You took it because you had to. Because as much as you want to wait out, you just don't know where the next exit will be. You know if you'd wait, you might get too far and you'd have to circle the whole stretch of that interstate freeway and get lost. And you can't get lost. Not with gas running low. So while you've got the gas, you took the nearest exit in sight.

Call it being coward. Call it being scared. Call it bailing out and losing spontaneity. But for me, it's about being brave - brave enough to insist on where I know I should go and what I want to get out of the trip. I was certain - certain that I want to get to my destination. I didn't want detours. I wanted assurance. I wanted clarity of directions and intentions. For once I wasn't being rash in my decisions and I was using my head with my heart. Although time is on my side, I can't waste any more of it anymore.

And knowing that all I have now is time, I felt sure that it'll all work out.

Si Cesar At Ang Friendster

Sabado. Umaga. Nagising ako kasi nakakasilaw ang sinag ng araw na lumalabas sa blinds ng bintana ko. Pero hindi yung paggising ko yung nakakatuwang ikwento rito kundi yung panaginip ko bago ako magising.

Sabi ng panaginip ko, boyfriend ko raw si Cesar Montano.

Whoooat? San nanggaling yun?

Hindi ko rin alam. Basta alam ko, paggising ko, naalala kong boyfriend ko siya. Ang mas nakakatuwa ron, kasama ang Friendster sa thought process ko habang nananaginip ako. Asteeeeeeeg!

Well, actually, more of hilarious! Nakakatawa siya talaga!

Napaisip tuloy ako. Ba't kaya sa lahat ba naman ng artista si Cesar Montano pa? Hellloooo??? E anlaki kaya ng boobs ni Sunshine! Mas malaki pa ata sa mukha ko. Pano ko naman mapapantayan yun? Hmmm...maybe this is some twisted way of my psyche saying 'It's not in the boobs. May laban ka naman e. Kahit wala kang boobs!' Ohhh yes!!!

Bakit hindi na lang si Dennis Trillo o si Wendell Ramos? Kung international flavor naman, bakit hindi si Ryan Phillippe, Nicholas Cage o kahit man lang si Zach Braff ng Scrubs? Sana man lang yung mga lalakeng pinagnanasaan ko naman 'di ba? Hindi si Cesar na kahit kailan, ni sa panaginip (well, ngayon napanaginipan ko na), hindi ko hinagap na pasok siya sa listahan ng aking "The Men Of My Past and Future Lifetimes". Charing! Basta. Malabo kung bakit si Cesar. Pero dahil open to interpretation ang panaginip, naisip ko tuloy na baka Cesar siguro ang name ng next boyfriend ko. Siguro hunk siya. Siguro moreno rin siya at artistahin.

Hmmm, pero type ko sa lalake mapuputi. Pano kaya yun?

At may mas bababaw pa ba sa pagkaka-interpret ko sa Cesar Montano ng panaginip ko?

Pano naman kaya nasali ang Friendster sa panaginip? Ganto lang naman yun. Nung 'kami' na ni Cesar, naisip ko na 'Hmmm...kelangan ko na i-update ang profile ko to In A Relationship dahil sinagot ko na si Cesar.' Nakakaloka hindi ba? Kahit sa panaginip, naisip ko na palitan ang Friendster profile ko. OA! Pati ba naman subconscious ko nagfi-Friendster na rin? Grabe! Bisyow na tow!

At dahil panaginip nga ito at again, open to interpretation, sinubukan kong gumawa ng analysis around it. Naisip ko na baka naman atat lang akong palitan ang profile ko. Hmmm...sige, palitan ko kaya ang status kong Single to It's Complicated. Aba! Complicated naman talaga ang ma-involve sa artista. Ikaw ba naman, maging boyfriend mo si Cesar na may asawa na tulad ni Sunshine na mas malaki pa sa mukha mo ang boobs, hindi ba naman super mega sakit sa ulo yun?

Ay, ba't bumalik na naman sa boobs ni Sunshine 'to? Balik nga tayo sa panaginip...

Dahil artista at hindi lang artistahin ang boyfriend ko, nag-feeling ako sa panaginip. Naisip ko pa na 'Wow, pang-artista level na pala ako. Asteeeeg!' Well, maraming nagsasabi (lalo na yung mga gusto akong asarin) na kamukha ko raw si Kris Aquino. Maybe this is my psyche's way of saying "Tanggapin mo na. Deal na ito. Hindi No Deal."

Uulitin ko. May mas bababaw pa ba sa pagkaka-interpret ko sa Cesar Montano ng panaginip ko?

Haaaay...nakakatawa lang talaga ang mga panaginip minsan. Buti na lang panaginip lang 'to.