Gusto Ko Nang Umuwi.

AS IN. Excited na ako umuwi. Ngayon lang nag-dawn sa akin na gusto ko pala umuwi. E dati kasi, dedma lang. Lahat na ng OFW kong kasama rito, nagbibilang na sa kalendaryo, habang ako, walang pakialam sa mundo at masayang nanonood ng Scrubs at House DVDs. Hindi naman sa hindi ako naho-homesick…hindi lang talaga ako naho-homesick. E sa ganon lang talaga. ‘More of live the moment’ na kasi akong tao. Na-outgrow ko na siguro yung mareklamo ako kung -- Ba’t malamig? Ba’t walang sisig? Ba’t kelangan ko maging katulong? Ba’t hindi pwedeng pagdating ko na lang sa bahay, may pagkain na? Ba’t kelangan ko mag-drive? Ba’t ganon? Ba’t ganto?

Wala na. Tapos na ako sa phase na yan. Kung anong meron ako ngayon, pinagpapasalamat ko na lang. Tulad nito -- Salamat sa snow kahit ang sakit sa ilong ng hanging malamig. Salamat sa mga imbento kong niluluto kapag nagsasawa na ako sa nilaga at sinigang. Salamat sa internet dahil nakakausap ko ang mga tao sa Pinas. Salamat sa mga kasama ko rito na puro may katok sa utak. Salamat sa pagiging katulong dahil independent na ako. Salamat sa trabahong stressful pero fulfilling kapag nakakapagmando ng onak (Oh, Yes! Nakagoyo na naman!).

Salamat Lord.

So far, effective naman ang ‘Live in the Now’ therapy ko. Happy naman ako. Contented. Iniisip ko na lang, ba’t ko naman kasi hahanapin yung wala ako? E sa wala nga e. Ba’t d ko na lang i-appreciate ang kung anumang meron ako ngayon at kung anumang binibigay sa akin? Sa rami ng blessings na lumalapag sa 10 meter-radius ko, ba’t pa ako maghahanap? Ayoko na mabatukan ni God at sabihin Niya na reklamador pa ako. Sayang e. Baka bawiin.

So going back… Gusto ko na rin palang umuwi. Para na akong sinisilihan sa pwet sa excitement. Siguro dahil Pasko. Siguro dahil makikita ko na ang mga ka-berks ko na hinihintay na ako. Siguro dahil makakasalita na ako ng Tagalog 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week for 2 weeks (assuming na hindi ako matutulog for 2 weeks. Hmmm…posible!). Siguro dahil matitikman ko na naman luto ng nanay ko. Siguro dahil miss ko na ang kama ko at ang aking TV na may HBO (oo, wala akong HBO sa apartment…olats!). Siguro dahil makakarampa na naman ako sa office. Siguro dahil makikita ko na naman ang mga bading at makaka-praktis na ako full force ng gay lingo. Siguro dahil makakapanood na naman ako ng Channel 7 at makikita ko na naman si Dennis Trillo. Siguro dahil mauusukan na naman ako pag nag-commute ako. Siguro dahil makikipagsikuhan na naman ako sa MRT sa umaga.

At siguro dahil makikita na kita at magkaka-chance na akong lubusang makilala ka???

Haaay…gusto ko na ngang umuwi.

Just Like Heaven

"Just Like Heaven"

Katie Melua

Show me how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream he said

The one that makes me laugh he said

And threw his arms around my neck

Show me how you do it

And I promise you

I promise that

I'll run away with you

I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge

I kissed his face and kissed his head

And dreamed of all the different ways

I had to make him glow

Why are you so far away? he said

Why won't you ever know that

I'm in love with you

That I'm in love with you

You, soft and only

You,lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape

I must have been asleep for days

And moving lips to breathe his name

I opened up my eyes

And found myself alone alone

Alone above a raging sea

That stole the only boy I loved

And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven

Umaga, tanghali, gabi. Office, gym, kotse. Haaay...Gasgas itong song na 'to sa akin. Pramis.

Senti Scrubs

I was watching Scrubs last night (Season 3) when my favorite insane character Eliot delivered a line that stuck to my head. I just had to turn on the subtitle, rewind the scene and pause to read the lines.

"I was planning on coming and telling you that you'll always come first, but the truth is that's not a promise that I can keep. But I can guarantee you that when it's my decision, I'll always choose you. But if that's not enough, I understand."

I've Got No Song

A friend once told me my life has a soundtrack. And yes, I think I do have that knack of having a song seemlessly automatically playing in my head during those unbelievably crisp 'moments' in my life. I pride myself with that ability to attach a specific frame in my life to a song that perfectly describes it. It's just simple for me to stumble upon a rare tune that may not always be popular but intricately says everything about the feel, the mood, the smell (if it applies), the taste (like if it happens to be bittersweet or just plain bitter) and the imagery of that event. I was so good at it that I have lost count of the stacks of CDs that remind me of those moments and those people and even those animals (pet and people alike).

I always believe I would never fail at this simple talent of mine... Well, that is until you happened. Darn. Somehow, I can't find a song that describes the phenomenon of you. And considering how sickly I can be of a control freak at times, this thing (whatever this is) is definitely driving me nuts.

For the first time, I'm stumped. And as long as I can remember I don't get stumped. No way. No person and no event has ever done this to me. I've looked at my backup CDs, tried to listen to songs on the radio and even forced myself to recall songs that could possibly fit you. But so far, no song. I don't know if this is a sign of something I should think about. But then that would contradict my stand on not believing in signs. Well, at least not the '12 red roses', 'If he's wearing a blue shirt' kind. It's just not like me to believe in that. But no song for a person for the first time in my life??? Wutthe!

If you don't get this whole ranting session, it's alright. I don't get it either. It's official. I'm crazy. I've gone crazy over a song that I can't find. And somehow I'd want to believe that this is really just about a stupid song that I will eventually get my hands (and ears) on. Yes. REALLY. This just has to be because of the absence of a song. And you can't win this. I know I'm gonna find it.

Yes. Me. Crazy. In denial. Control freak. I bet there's not even a song for that.

Sana

Sana hindi na lang ako natuwa.

Sana hindi ko kinailangang kalimutan ka bago kita lubusang makilala.

Sana hindi pa ako pagod sa buhay at kaya ko pang makipagbolohan.

Sana hindi ko kelangang isipin na wala ka na sa radar ng posibilidad ko.

Sana bata pa ako para may excuse pa ako para maging tanga at magkamali.

Sana may iba akong choice other than mainis, malungkot o maging manhid.

Sana makatulog ako at sa paggising ko, malaman ko na panaginip lang pala ang lahat.

Sana pwede akong mag-fast forward.

Sana may crystal ball ako para alam ko na kung anong mangyayari.

Sana hindi na naman ito isang makulit na joke ni God dahil pramis, hindi na yata ako natatawa.

Sana lang babaan ni God ang expectations Niya sa akin dahil parang hindi na yata kinakaya ng powers ko ang mga challenges.

Sana puwede kong sabihin na 'It's ok. It's alright. Expected ko naman!' nang hindi ako maiinis pagkatapos.

Sana matapos na 'to.

Sana puwedeng hindi ako magkunwari na ok lang ako dahil hindi yata talaga ok 'to.

Sana kahit minsan, may karapatan akong maging mahina at magngangawa dahil minsan naman talaga, nakakapanghina at nakakaiyak ang buhay.

Sana bukas kapag binasa ko ulit 'to, matatawa na lang ako.

Sana hindi ko kinailangang isulat ang blog na 'to.