Vitamin Cee

Ang Aking 'Moment'

2009-04-04T04:13:00.002+08:00

So bigla na lang ako nagkaron ng 'moment'. Alam mo yung biglang may 'moment in time' na bigla ka na lang napatanga at napaisip. At ito pa! Kakaiba itong moment kong 'to. It happened in the midst of ginormous (uy, imbento ng spelling!) na may uber-neuron eating contents na kelangan ko i-digest at i-review.

Ok. I was working when this happened.

Bigla kong na-miss Pinas.

Di ko alam. Ok naman ang weather today. 40s. Ok na yun kung nasa Minnesota ka at parang winter 8 months of the year. Bigla kong na-miss ang bahay namin sa QC. Ang bahay ni Mark sa QC na tinirhan ko ng 3 months. Ang aso kong pinaampon ko na kay Jane. Ang mga lunch baon ko na luto ni mader. Ang mga barkada kong ang theme for 2009 ay 'Fitness' kaya naman ang mga Facebook pictures ay marathon, climbing at wind surfing (hindi naman ako naiinggit kasi may Wii Fit naman ako. HA!). Ang mga friends ko from work na hindi ko naman masyado maka-chat kasi busy rin sila sa umaga (crap na time zone to oh!). Ang sana mura na gupit at hair color ko kung sa Pinas ko pinagawa. Ang gimik sa Starbucks na hanggang umaga. Ang mga tsaa sa Cafe Breton at ang La Pinay. Ang naiwan kong team sa Accenture na alam kong sobrang demotivated na ngayon dahil slave driver ang project at ang mga tao sa paligid nila (Parang gusto ko tuloy magpadala ng isang bag ng assorted chocolates pero wala atang uuwi sa Pinas before May. Crap!). Ang mga Tagalog movies na nakakasuka na hindi ko napapanood. Ang tusok-tusok fishballs sa UP. Lechon, buong menu ng Gerry's Grill, Eastwood Cinemas.

Biglang parang gusto ko na sana may magsabi na kaibigan ko na ikakasal sila before the year ends para may rason ako para maglustay ng pera para sa plane ticket at makauwi ng Pinas.

Haaaaaay. After 4 months, saka lang ako na-homesick.

Kelan kaya ako uuwi?

Haaaay. Haaaay. Salidumay-diwaaaaay...

Work na nga ulit ako. Kelangan ko na i-submit 'to. Crap!

Blog Revamp

2009-03-06T05:13:00.001+08:00

Crap! Kelangan ko na baguhin ang blog ko. Panis na 'tong Orange. If only I have the time to revamp this.

I will find time. I will! Kelangan!!!

Kelan kaya?

Ducks In A Row

2009-03-06T04:56:00.002+08:00

People ask how are we now as a married couple. And we always say 'Wala lang!' E kasi wala lang naman talaga. Wala namang masyadong changes except for the fact I live with him now and I get to see him first thing in the morning and the last one I see at night.

We were lying on the bed one late night and I was 5 minutes from falling asleep when Mark asked 'So kasal na talaga tayo noh?' Hahaha. Nakakaloka. It was 2 weeks after the ceremony and he still can't believe it. Kasi naman parang wala lang talaga. It's like we just attended a mass and threw a moderately expensive party at ayun! Kasal na pala kami.

Oo nga. Wala namang drastic changes. I guess from day 1 when we decided to be a couple, it was almost effortless and easy. Our transition from being engaged to finally being married was no different. They say sasakit ulo mo pag nag-asawa ka na. Pero so far, ok naman. Kahit yung mga maliliit na bagay na dapat siguro naiinis na ako ngayon dahil part ng adjustment, hindi naman nagiging issue. Hindi issue ang baliktad na pag-roll ng tissue, ang hindi nya pag-up ng toilet seat after he's done, ang pag pindot ng toothpaste in the middle instead of starting at the tip end. I guess I see more of his doing the laundry and getting the vacuum cleaner do it's work without me asking. And my seeing that makes me ignore the other small things. I guess it's the whole white bond paper with small black ink spots. I just prefer to see the bigger white spaces instead of the spots.

Sure there are bigger things ahead. Crazy decisions to make like buy a house this year, decide when to finally have a kid or two by next year maybe, who's plowing the snow, what investments to make.

But for now, we're settled with our charming condo with it's utter lack of furnitures in the land of Snow White called Richfield Minnesota. We're happy with our new ride Viola (she's a blackberry pearl Honda Sport Fit) at happy na kami na graduate na kami sa dagul Pathfinder that my ever-so-nice company lent to us while we can't take the bus during the highs (or maybe lows) of winter. At parang ok na kami sa mga simpleng weekend gimik namin to Costco, Super Target, HOM, Slumberland at IKEA.

We'll be up for the big things in time. Pero sa ngayon...isa-isa lang muna. We're making this our year to get all the ducks in our row. Mighty ducks!!! Adventure!!! HA!

Sagot sa Blog Entry na 'Lately'

2008-11-25T23:52:00.008+08:00

Malapit na. I have more or less a month to go and I will not longer be an employee based in the Philippines. Mixed feelings. Natutuwa ako kasi alam kong I made the right decision - to be where I will be happier and that is to be with my family. And being married meant that Mark is now my family. Yun nga lang, I will also leave my other 'family' here - mom. Ganon daw talaga. Damang-dama ko ang -- "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." So there. I will fly a few weeks from now to do that. Leave my mom and my dog sampu ng aking mga kamag-anak. Gorah ang lola mo!

Ok. Balik ako sa mixed feelings. First job ko 'to. Mahirap iwan ang 7 1/2 years. So why am I attached? I-bullet points ko --

--3 US trips, my last being the most memorable since because of that I met Mark.

-- Forever friendships. Here and in the US and in some selected parts of the world

--4 projects where I had 4 'kids' na parang lumaki na sa akin for my first ever lead role project, 24 amazing personalities in my current super-pahirap project.

Shempre may mga reasons din why I can smile now that I'm leaving. Hindi naman ako plastic. May mga ayaw rin ako at more than happy ako na takasan like

-- Forgettable personalities whom I'm so glad I don't have to be reminded everyday that they actually exist whenever I pass by the corridors of the building.

-- Admin tasks. Enough said.

--Working 2 shifts and the guilty feeling I have whenever I can't join the 9-10pm calls kahit na super valid naman ang reason.

-- All-day meetings. And I mean ALL DAY.

-- Documents and more documents.

Ok. Hindi naman ako tanga. I know I will also experience these when I get into my new job. Nagkalat yan at nagkalat sila - ang mga taong hindi mo alam kung pano sila nakakatulog sa gabi. And I'm so very sure may mga corridors yet to be passed by me kung saan matatagpuan ko sila. But until then, I want to be relieved and I want to believe that I won't hear from them, except for their 'karma' news. And maybe I won't have to deal with a lot of them in my next job. Well, let's see.

With that said, I also hope I will have more forever friendships and real people to be met and to share chika moments with in my next job and in the next neighborhood I'll be in. Sana nagkalat din doon ang mga totoong nice na tao na nice because they are really nice and not because they need something from you. Kasi marami rin akong iiwan na ganon sa current job ko. And it does break my heart to leave them. But I'm sure I will hear how they succeeded, how they climbed the ladder and how they've grown in their careers. Malalaman at malalaman mo naman kapag may good news di ba? At yun na lang sana ang malaman ko. Yung mga makakarma, wag na lang.

Ewan ko. Ka-excite na katakot. This is a leap. A giant leap. Goodluck sa pagtalon ko.

With eyes closed, toes crossed and with my hand holding Mark's sweaty hand tightly...

JUMP!

And I'm out of the comfort zone.

Awesome. Really.

2008-11-08T21:29:00.003+08:00

I think the coolest thing to being married is that he gets to become the first person you see when you wake up in the morning and the last one you can hug before you fall asleep.

So it leaves you really no choice but to start your day right.

Really awesome! :)

Wedding Pics

2008-11-07T00:37:00.002+08:00

Wedding pics are at http://charmingconsi.multiply.com/photos. Onsite AVP is at http://charmingconsi.multiply.com/video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZSMdclXUEs and at http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=39403041313&subj=678156313.

Enjoy!!! :)

Done with October

2008-11-05T22:33:00.006+08:00

Busy. Hectic. Frustrated. Relieved. Happy. Contented.

Right. October's over. Lahat na yata ng pwede ko maramdaman, naramdaman ko sa buwang ito.

But I think this picture sums it all...

I'm just so glad my forever started in October. :)

Lately

2008-09-07T21:43:00.003+08:00

So lately napapaisip na ako kung worth it ba 'tong trabaho ko.

Ok. So mga 3 years na yung 'lately' pero lately talaga super dalas ko na syang naiisip. Like dalas in terms of everyday when I need to have a call ng 9-10pm. EVERYDAY. Including Saturdays and Sundays and Holidays. Naawa rin ako sa team namin kasi pumapasok kami ng weekends so wala na talagang pahinga at wala na talagang quality time with friends and family. So pag tinatanong kami kung kumusta ang weekend, ang sagot ay 'Weekend? Anong weekend?' E kahit nga ang pagkain ng fishballs sa UP na 10 minutes away lang sa bahay ko, hindi ko magawa kanina kasi sa major work. To think yun lang ang 'gimik' ko sana this weekend. Making tusok-tusok sana the fishballs.

So in between getting healed from the impacted teeth operation to spending quality kamot tummy time with my furry ball dog, I worked like crazy. Crazy hours from 8am to 11pm with the phone ringing from morning 'til night. Gerry, a good friend said, this pays the bills and some more. Yun na lang daw ang isipin ko kapag nahihirapan ako hanapin ang reason for working these many hours to something na nahihirapan talaga akong makita kung totoo ngang may true 'cause'. Sabi nga nila, if you can't beat them, join them. I joined pero hindi ko makita ang point. At parang ayoko ata sayangin ang non-thirty years ko sa gantong buhay. Ang lusot na lang yata rito ay ang mag-resign. But I need the moolah. Na part of it pinambabayad ko rin ng DSL every month to be able to work from home sa gabi at sa weekends at sa holidays.

So lately napapaisip na ako kung worth it ba 'tong trabaho ko. Mag-resign na kaya ako? What if? At kelan?

Impaktang Impacted

2008-09-01T23:11:00.002+08:00

5th day na ng pagiging 'Walking Pear' ko. Bakit pear? Ok. Ano ba hitsura ng pear? Ang pear may batik-batik sa taas di ba? Makipot sa taas tapos biglang lobo sa baba? Ayun, ganon mukha ko. May batik-batik sa paligid ng mata kasi nagpa-cauterize ako ng warts the morning before I had my 2 impacted teeth taken out. Hindi naman ako masokista. Wala lang na talaga akong oras. Kaya dahil leave ako, pinagsama ko sya sa isang araw. Warts sa umaga, 2 impacted teeth sa hapon. Awa ng Diyos kinaya ko naman. Umiyak lang ako sa sakit nung sa pangalawang ngipin na yung tinatanggal at nung mga 1 hr and 45mins nang hinihinila paroo't parito ung bibig ko para lang makuha yung hinayupak na super impacted at super taas na malaking ngipin sa right side ko. Yup, left side sa ibaba naman yung isa. Kaya nga pear ang shape ko. Both cheeks maga at parehong mabilog.

So for the past 4 days, soup na malamig at blended fruits lang kinakain ko. Instant diet. Detox para parang celebrity! Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. Nagsawawa lang na ako. Pero ok na rin dahil tumaba ako based on the gown fitting I had last week. E pano ba naman! Bago ako mag-gown fitting, lumafhos pa kami sa Dencio's at nag-halu-halo sa Iceberg's pa pagkatapos sa Metrowalk. Walang pakundangan! Ayun, 2 tao ang nag-zipper ng damit ko. HAHAHAHA. So ayun, blessing in disguise na rin 'to. Sana lang may ipayat naman ako sa paghihirap kong 'to dahil sawa na ako sa malamig na sopas. Haaaaay...buhay!

Wala namang nabago. Kahit na nung nilalagnat ako nung Huwebes at Biyernes, work pa rin ako at calls dito at doon dahil walang kinikilalang operada ang client namin. Kahit na soft spoken ako, calls pa rin. Well, ngayon nakakasalita na ako pero masakit lang tumatawa. So aside from bawal akong kumain ng matino, bawal din akong masaya. Ngiti na bitin lang pwede. Ang mag-joke sa paligid ko bubunutan ko ng ngipin. Yup, brutal kung brutal. Damay-damay na 'to!

Gusto ko na gumising bukas at makitang normal na mala-Serg's football na ang mukha ko. Pero malabo pa yun. Sabi ni doc, tatanggalin pa lang nya ang tahi sa Miyerkules so baka dun pa lang medyo humupa na ang swelling. So goodluck ulit sa akin. I'm sure mga 2 linggo pa akong soft diet. Iniisip ko nga mag-Gerber o Cerelac na lang pag nagsawa na ako sa mga sopas. Isipin ko pa at iche-check ko pa ang flavors.

Wala ng sense 'to. Matutulog na ako. Gusto ko lang mag-blog kasi ito na yata ang pinakamasakit na operasyon ko to date. Sana mas masakit na 'to sa panganganak. Malalaman natin. Siguro in 3 yrs time.

Haaaaaay!!! Meme na pear! :)

2AM Realizations

2008-08-16T01:46:00.002+08:00

Hola! Gising pa ako! Nawala na ata antok ko. Nalipasan ng antok kung meron mang ganon. Kakauwi ko lang from dinner with bossings and desert chika with college friends. Tapos konting check ng work emails dito at doon. Tapos konting surf sa multiply at friendster. Tapos, ayun. Di pa rin ako inaantok. Crap! Reunion pa naman ng angkan ng nanay ko bukas kaya kadiri 'to kung may eyebags ako.

Hmm...so anong pwedeng gawin para antukin? Wala naman ata. Tatanga lang ako hanggang sa antukin. Pero bago ako tumanga, gusto ko lang i-document ang mga realizations ko for the day.

REALIZATION NO.1 -- Ambait pala talaga ng mapapangasawa ko. Teka naman. Alam ko naman mabait na sya dati pero nakakatuwa lang na everyday napapaalala at nadidildil sa utak ko na mabait sya. At as in yung tunay na bait. Walang halong hidden agenda. DAH! Ano pa bang iha-hide nyang agenda, e magpapakasal na nga kami di ba? So ayun, natuwa lang ako. Ambait nya talaga. Haaaaay...swerte ko naman!

REALIZATION NO.2 -- Promoted na ako. Hindi ito realization pero gusto ko lang sabihin para lang ma-document. Di pa alam ng nanay ko. Malalaman din nya pag dumating na yung ref nyang bago na binili namin last week. Sasabihin ko na lang na yun na ang libre ko sa kanya. Crap! Ang mahal na libre!!! Sana pala nag-buffet na lang kami sa Shang-The Heat. Pero ok lang. Nanay ko naman yun. At utang na loob, kelangan na mag-retire ng ref naming ka-birth year ko pa. So ok na. Buti na lang promoted ako kaya may pambili ng ref. Wish ko na lang mataas increase.

REALIZATION NO.3 -- Gwapo naman pala ang mapapangasawa ko. Oo. Hindi talaga ako nagagwapuhan sa kanya nung una. Kahit nung pangalawa o pangatlo. And so on and so forth. Pero lately, nung na-reach na nya ang ideal weight nya, na-realize ko...'Aba! E gwaping naman pala.' Although (at ito ay isang malaking ALTHOUGH) hindi mala-'Aga Muhlach gwaping' as what he claims pero gwaping in his own way naman. So ayun, mabait na, gwaping pa. Tapos sobrang mahal pa ako! (Putek dapat lang naman di ba?) Haaaay...swerte ko naman!

REALIZATION NO.4 -- One of the best things sa buhay ko talaga ang mga college friends ko. Nagkita-kita kami kanina kasi dumating si Jeffer from Singapura. Ala lang. Ang saya. Parang ganon pa rin. Iba na nga lang kasi engaged na ako, si Pat official Wow Philippines 'tour guide' na, si Noel and Wins Globe na, at si Jeffer ay OFW sa Singapura. Pero bottomline, sila pa rin yung mga kaibigan ko for almost 8 years now. Wow. 8 years. Looking back, kung nakinig lang ako sa kanila talaga sa lahat ng mga payo nila, siguro hindi ako nagpakatanga sa mga exes ko non. Hahaha. Oh well, ok lang dahil meron namang realizations 1 & 3. :)

REALIZATION NO. 5 -- Kakaiba pala ang taste ko noon. Dahil sa realizations 1 & 3, na-derive ko na wala pala akong kwenta mamili ng lalake noon. Ok. So ayoko naman sobrang manlait kasi hindi naman ako Zhang Ziyi-ganda at hindi naman ako perfect at alam ko naman may topak din ako (ALTHOUGH mas malaki topak ng mga ex ko non) pero gusto ko lang magpakatotoo na wala nga ata akong standards at definite set of criteria sa pagpili ng boylet o bf noon. In short, antanga ko talaga noon. Ok. Antanga-tanga. To be fair, I'm sure naman na nag-evolve na sila. Well, sana naman kasi kahit nga unggoy nag-e-evolve to be human di ba? And I'm sure by now, may mga babaeng nabingwit na sila kung saan swak sila sa standards ng isa't isa. Pero kung alam ko lang dati ang alam ko na ngayon, marami akong oras, pera, effort, energy at makeup na nai-save. Pero again, since tatanga-tanga ako, nangyari na ang mga nangyari. Buti na lang may realizations 1 & 3. At buti na lang, may mga moments na 'Wow, ito pala ang dahilan kung ba't antanga ko dati! Ayuz, pwede na rin pala magpakatanga. Wag lang super sobra.' So ayun. Katangahan ended last April 24, 2007. Charing!!!

REALIZATION NO.6 -- Buti na lang di ako sobrang nagpakatanga. Kasi kung nasobrahan, baka di ako naka-UP. Baka ibang set of friends meron ako. Baka hindi ko nahiwalayan yung mga hindi pa nag-evolve na mga lalake sa buhay ko non. Baka hindi ko na-recognize na si Mark na pala. Baka hindi ako na-promote kasi wala naman sigurong nap0-promote na tatanga-tanga.

REALIZATION NO.7 -- Inaantok na ako. Nakaantok pala ang blog. I better shutdown this PC.

Good night.

So...Seminar Atbp

2008-08-03T00:51:00.003+08:00

So ubos ang buong araw namin, and I mean buong araw from 830am-5pm sa Pre-Cana seminar sa Del Strada sa Katipunan. Shempre nalimutan kong tanong kung anong ibig sabihin ng Pre-Cana kanina. Basta um-attend lang ako. Ay, kami pala. E kasi required. Kasi hindi namin makukuha ang marriage license ng walang letter na nagpapatunay na um-attend kami ng seminar. So ayun. Hala! Attend! Kahit na gusto ko sana matulog ng buong Sabado para maiba naman.

So going back to the seminar, 2 parts yun. May morning session na parang Christian Living all over again. From 'Who is God?' to 'The Sacraments'. Ok sana syang review kung kinabukasan, ituturo ko sa mga kids yung term na transubstantiation pero dahil hindi, medyo na-bore ako. Panay tingin ko sa relo ni Mark kung 12 na ba. Kasi gusto ko na kumain ng Jollibee Chicken Joy sa Katipunan Petron. Can't wait to do the 'laman now, balat later!'

So fast forward. Natapos din ang morning sermon also known as breeze through Catechism 101 for me. We landed at Ineng's BBQ sa may Petron pa rin dahil sabi ni Mark, hindi pa raw kami nakakakain don. So go. Pero shempre dahil hindi ko kaya na hindi kumain ng LaPaz Batchoy soup sa Jollibee, bumili ako ron at dinala ko na lang sa Ineng's. Sarap! Perfect for walang humpay light drizzle all-day weather. Basa ang canvas sandals ko kakalakad from one restaurant to another pero ok lang. Katangahan naman ang mag-peep toe canvas sandals sa weather na 'to. At sulit kasi masarap naman ang BBQ at ang LaPaz Batchoy na maraming chicharon bits.

So PM session naman. Hala! Ang daming questionnaires. Topics on relationships, money, in-laws, religion, sex at family planning. Medyo old school yung nagturo na catechist-slash-obgyn-slash-mother of twins. Ok naman sya. Better than the morning tutor pero old school pa rin. Medyo light pa rin ang attack sa discussions. Gusto ko sana yung macha-challenge ako sa pagsagot but apparently, yung mga questions, napag-usapan na namin ni Mark at one point during our 15 months of being together. So I guess good sign din. Ibig sabihin, review lang 'to lahat para sa amin.

So after non, simba kami with mudra sa Holy Family ng 630pm na as usual late nagsimula at super haba ng homily. At dahil ganon din ang nangyari sa amin nung nagsimba kami ron the previous day for First Friday mass, ayaw na ata ni Mark magsimba ron sa susunod. Ako, as usual, dedma. Gusto ko na lang umuwi at kumain ng sinigang ng bangus sa bayabas na luto ni mudra. Yummm... After ng dinner sa bahay, Startbucks with TJ and his gf and Mark sa Greenhills at late dessert na white chocolate sa Chili's. Tapos ito, nagba-blog na ako kasi busog pa ako.

So, ayun. Hindi ko pa rin alam ang meaning ng Pre-Cana. Ok lang. Tapos na naman. At matutulog na lang ako. One off our list!

101 Days

2008-07-17T23:01:00.002+08:00

Teka, magtu-12 na. Hinabol ko lang 'tong blog na 'to kahit antok na ako kasi...

Kasi...

101 days to go at hindi na ako Consi Consebido sa company ID ko. Well, if I count the number of weeks for my company to do the name change plus-minus the admin-adminan tasks for this to complete, hindi nga siguro 101 days noh? So pwede ko pa nga siguro gawin 'tong blog entry na 'to next week, or the week after this next.

Haaaaay...whatever.

101 days to go...before I walk down the short aisle that I specifically mentioned to my coordinator and to my bitter half nung naghahanap kami ng simbahan. Nakakatamad kaya ang mahabang aisle. Mahirap mag-glide ng matagal a...

101 days to go at officially hindi na ako makakalandi . Well sabi ng mga sutil kong kaibigan, makakalandi pa rin ako pero I'm sure mega konsyensya ako 'non while feeling nagta-tighten ang white gold ring around my finger. So no. Ayokong magmukhang manas ang ring finger ko. So no to landi.

101 days at part na ako ng couple. Totoong couple na pwede nang maging member ng Couples for Christ. Chos!

101 days at mas maliit na ang tax ko. Yay! :)

101 days at from then on, makaka-receive na ako ng invite na hindi lang pangalan ko ang nasa sobre. Crap! Plus 1 na talaga ako. Mas magastos na ako imbitahan.

101 days to go at masisimot na ang bank account na na-open para lang sa major event na 'to.

101 days to go at ang bawat desisyon ko sa buhay, major, minor or minorette will affect another significant human being na itago natin sa pangalang Mark.

101 days to go...

go..

go...

go!!!

Haaaaay....blue...blue...sapphire blue*... :)

*(kantahin sa salin ng 'brewed, brewed...tastes like brewed)

Prenup Pics by Ros

2008-07-10T19:39:00.001+08:00

Pics taken in Arboretum in Chaska, MN...

May isa pang version nito na ia-upload ko this weekend taken by Let. For now, enjoy muna to! :) Sana lang ma-access nyo ang multiply account ko...

http://charmingconsi.multiply.com/photos/album/8/Prenup_Pics_from_Ros_

Uwian Naaaa!!! :)

2008-06-12T22:51:00.003+08:00

So uuwi na kami on Sunday. Nasa Pinas na ako on Monday night...breathing the polutted air at ang over sa humid na weather. Haaaay...d ko alam kung excited ba ako o stressed o takot. Halu-halo na siguro. Pag-uwi ko kasi alam ko mabilis na lang 'to. Makikita ko lang magfa-fast forward buhay ko. Ziiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg...

Actually, uuwi lang kami para magpakasal at ayusin ang mga buhay namin para maka-move on to a new life. Shet. Ilang months na lang and I'll be a wife. Gasp. Shet. And did I say shet?! So ayun, new role, new life. At alam kong may bago pang dadating by end of the year. So excited na rin ako ron. :)

Haaaaay...ang gastos ng uwing 'to. HAHAHAHA.

Save The Date!!!

2008-05-30T06:38:00.003+08:00

Yup, ngayon lang ako nag-start mag-send ng emails for friends from gradeschool and highschool na invited sa wedding. Grabe! Ibang klase 'tong buwan na 'to! Life changing, stressful and unbelievably fast! Lumipad lang na parang wala lang! Nagca-cram na tuloy ako at kinukulit na ako ng coordinator namin. Plus nagca-cram na rin ng mga kelangan matapos bago umuwi at para makapag-empake na ng mga kahon.

Wow! 17 days to go and I'll be home. We'll be home to get the wedding preps going at para ayusin ang buhay namin. Haaaaay!!! I'm tired and sick (in that order). May sakit talaga ako ngayon kaya work from home ako. Florida weather made me sick pero babalik pa rin kami sa Disney...probably in 8 years! :)

So ayun, para sa mga ngayon lang nakakakuha ng save the dates, wag kayo magtampo kasi ngayon lang talaga ako nagse-send. HAHAHAHA. At marami pa akong kelangan i-send. Whew! Kapagod!!!

But I've never been happier!!! :)

Isang Malaking 'Wala Lang'

2008-05-08T21:18:00.003+08:00

Work from home. Matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi nagagawa 'to a. Everytime I try to schedule to work from home, sobrang swerte ko naman na may urgent meeting na sumusulpot. Ang masama nito, madalas ako ang nagse-set. Hahaha! So for the past 4 months that I attempted, wala akong napala. Kaya ngayon na natuloy, sobrang tuwa ko. Well, pagod lang talaga ako. Stressed. From everything. For the past 4 months. Masyado lang maraming umiikot sa paligid ko na kelangan ko ring ikutan kaya I think this is nice change for me - Me working in my pajamas while my clothes are doing cartwheels in the dryer. Shempre may background music pa ako at sinisingit ko ang paghahalukay sa aking mga mp3s ng potential songs for the wedding. And yup, I'm blogging while I'm doing all these! Haaaay...the beauty of multi-tasking.

A few months ago, I was getting bored with my life. I wanted change. I needed change. I yearned for change. I literally despised my monotonous life. Sabi ko pa nga sa universe "Ano ba 'to? Ganto na lang ba ako lagi? Isang malaking 'wala lang?' "

Ngayon naman, parang trumpo naman ako na hindi mapakali. Parang sinisilihan sa pwet. Pagod lagi. Well now I know that I should be very careful next time on what I wish for.

Saya-saya!!! :) Kapagod!

Freedom

2008-05-01T05:41:00.001+08:00

Gusto ko lang mag-blog para i-bookmark ang araw na 'to. A day when I got a nice surprise. :) Yun lang. For now. :)

Yay!!! Galing-galing ni God! Salamat po!!! :)

Hala! Wedding Updates!

2008-04-17T11:00:00.003+08:00

Antagal ko na palang walang post! Egad!

Buti na lang kinulit ako ni Dada na mag-update naman ako. Oo nga naman. Wala nga naman akong kwentang bride-to-be kundi ako marunong mag-update tungkol sa upcoming super big step of my life. Ni hindi pa nga alam ng ibang kaibigan ko na ikakasal na ako. Naririnig lang nila sa paligid. Binubulong ng hangin at chinichismis ng mga bubwit. Pasensya na talaga. Alam kong uso ang mga Wedding Sites, Blog on Weddings at mga libreng weddining announcement sites pero wala yata talagang maasahan sa aming dalawa ni Mark. Ang importante lang kasi sa amin, alam ng mga mahal namin sa buhay na ikakasal kami. Basta makikita namin yung mga gusto naming makita ron, pwede na yun aside from the fact na maganda dapat ang gown ko. Yun lang naman. Walang eklat-eklat. Ikakasal na nga kami. Tapos. :)

At pramis, balak ko naman talaga mag-send ng matinong Save The Date thru email. At naka-workplan sya na matatapos ko sya by the end of this month. That means may 2 weeks pa ako. Di pa ako delayed sa plan. So ayun...abangan na lang natin kung anong hitsura non. Malamang simpleng one-liner lang na -- Oct. 24. Dumalo ka! Importante ka dahil kasama ka sa budget! Ok? Luv Yah!

HAHAHA! Hala! Wala man lang drama. Di man lang pinag-isipan. Well, masyado na ako nag-isip tungkol sa pagpapakasal so ang execution kelangan wala ng isip-isip. So ayun, opo. Magse-send po ako. Pramis.

At by the way, sapphire blue ang motif. I-google mo. 'Sapphire blue'. Lalabas sa top search, hindi wholesome na site. HAHAHAHA. Hindi namin sinasadya! Malay ba naming pag ginoogle-ize ang 'sapphire blue' ay yun pala ang lalabas. Tinawanan ko na lang and I just took it as a sign na it's meant na yun ang maging motif namin since naaliw ako sa top 1 search. (Uy, igu-google na nya??? Na-curious ka noh? Aminin?!)

Kumpleto na ang entourage kahit na medyo irita ako dahil yung mga girls na iba ay nasa ibang bansa at hindi pa rin sure na makakarating kaya guests na lang sila tuloy instead of image models who will rampage the aisle in their sapphire blue long gowns. Haaaaay...buhay OFW! Ganon talaga! :)

Ok na ang invitations. Sa super busy ko, hindi ko nache-check ang voicemail ko sa bahay kaya last week pa pala sya ready for pick-up pero kanina ko lang nalaman. So kukunin na namin next week. Simple lang sya. Walang lace, walang pop-up. Invitation. Tapos. Ang eklat lang ay yung gagawin kong wax seal to -- (at nahulaan mo) seal the envelope. Siguro pag sinipag ako, pwede ko i-scan yun, kunan ng pics ang mga personalized napkins at i-post dito. Or not. Corny pag nakita nyo na di ba? :)

Ok na rin ang shoes ko. Hahaha. Last month ko pa nabili. Hindi sya Jimmy Choo dahil naisip ko na walang kwenta magsayang ng $500 sa isang white satin shoes na madudumihan sa Pinas at hindi ko naman din pwedeng gamitin sa gimik at office. So ang binili ko ay ang pwede sa gimik. Again, pag sinipag ako, ipo-post ko. Or not. :)

Aside from Church and reception na na-book na namin bago pa man kami bumalik dito, ok na florist, food, music at reception. Ang problema ko na lang children's choir dahil so far, wala pa kaming naririnig na professional children's choir na tunog children pa sila. At isa pang To-Do ay i-book ang photo and video na papayag sa gusto naming package dahil ayoko ng digital album. Gusto ko yung old school album na pictures lang talaga. Classic na kahit 50 years from now, hindi ko tatawanan yung layout ng pictures dahil by then super astig na ng mga layouts (o baka nga 3D na). So ayun, tuloy ang paghahanap ng wedding coordinator ko...Go Bea!!! :)

Gown? Yan ang pinaka-importante sa lahat...at least for me dahil sa wedding pwede raw akong maging selfish dahil araw ko yun! Meron na naman akong design at designer at malamang sa Pinas ko na papagawa. Pero pag sinuwerte baka may makita pa akong gown dito. Bahala na kung anong mangyari sa trunk shows in the coming weeks sa bridal shop sa St. Paul na hindi ko ma-pronounce (L'Atelier Couture).

In furnez to me, hindi ako maarteng bride. Sa totoo lang mas involved pa si Mark sa mga knitty-gritty details. Ako lang ang taga-budget, taga-gawa at taga-maintain ng checklist which I like. Para lang naman akong may mini-project na magastos at minsan masakit sa ulo. Buti na lang may wedding coordinator para mamoblema para sa amin. Wuhoooo!!! Salamat Bea! Hehehe.

Anyway, yan na po ang wedding updates. For now, ayusin muna namin ang giveaways at gifts to sponsors at itsura ng missalette. Sa susunod na wedding update!!! Yay!!! :)

My Groom

2008-02-26T13:29:00.003+08:00

So here's Mark. With a new haircut and a 'GROOM' sticker on his grey shirt. Naaliw talaga ako sa pic na 'to. I took this after we got home from the bridal fair we went to - not knowing na wala naman palang added value sa wedding planning namin. Malay ba naming puro photographers, cakes and wedding planner booths ang nandun. Well, meron namang invitation booths which we were more interested in, pero 3 lang??! Oh well, nakakita naman kami ng bridal fashion show by David's Bridal na di rin namin type pero ok na rin. For the experience, sulit na ang $10 namin. At least I got to see Mark with a GROOM sticker on his shirt. I had my BRIDE sticker too but I forgot to take a picture before I removed it from my jacket.

So ayun. Tuloy ang wedding planning. We're slowly getting checks in the list! :)

Almost Hitched

2008-02-09T02:43:00.000+08:00

After buying tons of bridal magazines, getting Mark's (dream) chapel and the most convenient venue to the chapel booked, it kinda hit me that, this is it! We have to go through the long checklist of what to do and when to get it done to get married. I never really got my hands dirty on my sister's wedding 2 years ago so aside from getting my dress and showing up in the wedding, that's just about my contribution. I know. I was a lame maid of honor back then so I'm trying to pay for it now - by being the bride.

I'm lucky that Mark has an idea of how he wants it. Simple. Small. Intimate. And even luckier that I realized after he described the whole thing that I love the whole idea. You see, I never really pictured in my head how my wedding will be. All I know is when that day comes, I want to have a smashing classy dress and have my lifetime companion and friend in tow. :) Of course, the selected very important people that really matter in our lives have to be there. Which brings us to finalizing the guest list. Pffft. And it is by far, the hardest thing to do - to come up with the guest list. As much as I wanted to have everyone there, we needed to make the list short just because we want it to be small, sweet and intimate. It's not a party. Nor a batch reunion. It's a friends and family affair with people we've been in touch from the time we were kids until now that we're stubborn adults. So people we've told so far should really feel important because we haven't told a lot yet. I guess, it boiled down to telling those we think should know 9-10 months before. :)

So there. We're getting hitched. And I'm fitting Vera Wang gowns tomorrow - just to fit, not really to buy. Hahaha! If I won't think of how long the checklist is, yes, I am excited. Mark is actually more excited. :)

So when is it? Well, it's going to be soon. :) And it's going to be wonderful. :)

Monique, Carolina and Jenny

2008-02-05T05:12:00.002+08:00

So I went to Monique's shop last Saturday which happens to be 10 minutes from my house. Haaaaaay...Ganon pala ang feeling ng $4-6k gowns.

Ok. So sa Pinas na ako bibili. Pero at least nakasuot ako ng Monique gown, and a Carolina Herrera and a Jenny Lee!

Ok na. Ok na ako. Pwede na ako magpakasal! Wuhooo!!!

Lots of Luck for 2008

2008-01-29T01:39:00.000+08:00

Sa aking lil world, mukhang masaya naman so far ang pagpasok ng 2008. Let me count the reasons...

Una, I'm back to 100lbs. And I love it!!! I did this without exercising! HAHAHAH! Nag-give-up lang ako ng kanin na akala ko major mahihirapan ako. To think construction worker ako kung kumain ng kanin dati at naisip ko kung pano ako mabubuhay na walang sinasaing araw-araw. Medyo lang malaking shift siya sa diet ko pero worth it naman. Sana lang ma-maintain ko ang weight ko until October! *wink*wink*:)

Second, I'm back in Minnesota. Ewan ko kung ok ba na ipagpasalamat ko talaga 'to dahil negative ang temperature ngayon dito. Pero kung pera-pera lang naman ang pinag-uusapan, ok nga 'to lalo na ngayong may mga kelangan na akong pag-ipunan. Ay 'kami' pala. :)

Third, marami akong na-accomplish in my 2wk stay in Manila. Personal and work-wise. Mukhang this year, uusad na talaga ang buhay ko in leaps, just the way I want it! :) Wala lang sanang kokontra at di lang ako makalimot magpasalamat sa Kanya. :)

Well, marami pang dapat ipagpasalamat pero yun ang gist. Haaaaay...A lot of things to be thankful for and the month isn't over yet. I guess when it rains, bumabaha! :) Wowwowweee!!!Ang saya saya!!! :)

2008

2008-01-15T18:25:00.001+08:00

Ikakasal na ako. Last quarter of 2008. Yun lang.

Announcement ba 'to? Siguro. Blog ko naman 'to e. Pwde ko gawin kahit ano.

Yay!!! I'll be a bride!

After 4 Years...

2007-12-23T14:19:00.000+08:00

I never thought I'd be back in Orange County after 4 years. Grabe, 4 years na pala yun. And I'm quite surprised with how much that has changed. For one, uncle changed houses twice in four years before I got to stay in this nice room. My cousins are big now. Derek, the kid I used to babysit is now 8 years old and talks to me about DVD movies like he's a movie critic. Mae is all grown up, being in college and all. I'm even meeting her boyfriend of 3 years of on and off on Friday. My aunt and uncle - Ate Ning and Tito Dennis have grown old a bit but Tito's cooking is still fantastic!

Haaaaay...I used to stay with them almost every month for almost a year. All those trips to LA and Orange County made me feel nostalgic awhile ago when my cousin drove me to the mall so I can get her her Christmas present. This was my home away from home back in the days. I never realized how I missed Orange County until I saw it again today.

And yes. The last time I was here, I was young and stupid and got my heart broken. I guess I'm just so thankful to God that this time around I won't have to worry about that. :)

It's my first Christmas in the US. I'm ready. Got all my gifts in tow. Bought my red Christmas dress today. I'm all cheery and happy with the idea that I'm having my first holiday season with my Orange County family. My first Christmas with Mark and his family. And something's telling me this will be one I won't forget in a long, long time. And I do hope and pray this won't be our last. :)

Pasko sa US

2007-12-18T04:53:00.002+08:00

Unang Pasko ko rito sa Tate. Medyo excited na ako. Lagi akong umuuwi pag Pasko pero ngayong taon, susubukan ko naman na dito mag-Pasko. Hindi ko naman mami-miss ang chibog dahil puro Pinoy food din naman halos ang ihahanda ng mga kamag-anak ni Mark sa bahay nila. Pero iba pa rin.

It's the first time I won't be with my Mom. The first time I won't go to a midnight mass. The first time na hindi ako magte-text brigade during eve and Christmas day.

Wala rin namang mga Christmas songs sa radio. At least hindi ganon kadalas patugtugin pag nasa Pinas.

Wala rin ang friends Christmas exchange gift dinners. Gash! Nami-miss ko na, wala pa man lang.

Kakaiba. Pero it's worth a try. Tradeoff talaga. I get to meet Mark's clan so it'll be a good one. I'm sure.

US Pasko na!!!

Katamad

2007-12-06T08:24:00.000+08:00

Tinatamad na ako. Gusto ko na mag-pasko at magbakasyon. Ba't ba kasi kelangan ko magtrabaho? Haaay. I swear. Kung totoo ang reincarnation, sa susunod na lifetime, artista na ako. Sa Hollywood. May own perfume named after me. May clothing line. May barbie doll na kamukha ko. At may Oscar award.

Hahahaha. Sarap mangarap!!!

Wrinkles????

2007-11-14T07:26:00.000+08:00

Meron akong bagong addiction. Eye cream.

Pramis. Ang dami ko na atang nabili at na-research tungkol sa eye cream simula nung nakita kong may undereye lines na ako. AS IN. PANIC ang lola mo. Sabi kasi nila lalabas yan pag late 20s ka na. E nandun na ako e. Nasa bracket na ako ng late 20s. Nakakahiya mang aminin pero vain ako. Yes. Lalo na sa skin. For the longest time, pini-pimple ako. Last year lang ako nawalan ng pimples and I mean yung mga tipong nakakadiri na pinapakita sa before pictures ng Pro-Activ. Salamat sa derma kong super galing at pinatay nya ang mga active oil glands ko. O di ba? Ang galing!!! So ayun. Ganon katindi. Since pinatay ni doc ang aking mga active oil glands, wrinkles around my eyes naman ang problema ko. Nakakainis talaga. Parang walang matinong choice. Kaya heto, hello to Oil of Olay Regenerist, Aveeno, Roc Night Cream at Burt's Bees Eye Cream.

Sabi nga nila, responsibilidad ang maging maganda. So nagiging responsible lang ako. At oo na. At vain.

I Was No Picnic

2007-11-09T03:32:00.000+08:00

I was listening to mp3s of Ani DiFranco that I downloaded and I came across her song - Hypnotized. The song has these lines which struck me.

And I was no picnic

No, I was no prize

But I had just enough sweetness

To keep you hypnotized

So that's how you found me

Rain fallin' around me

I'll post the song in multiply (http://www.charmingconsi.multiply.com/). It's a sad yet sweet song. I think at it's most shallow level, it's about being away and being in the worst situation. But lucky girl, even in the deepest shit, she found someone. It's nice to know good things can happen even when you're in the worst circumstances.

Kalokohang Pick-Up Lines

2007-11-08T05:36:00.000+08:00

As usual, nag-over na naman sa limit ang email ko. Kesa tumanga at mag-day dream kung pano ko gagamitin ang bago kong Conair Infiniti Tourmaline Ceramic Curling Iron na kakabili ko lang sa Ulta (ay, ba't ang daming side comments?!), naisip kong mag-delete na lang ng mga emails na wala ng addded value sa buhay ko. At habang nagbubura ng mga kung anu-ano, nakita ko ang isa sa mga importanteng emails na hindi ko nabura...List of Pick-up Lines!!! Luma na 'to pero patok pa rin! :)

Haaay...Naalala ko pa nung finoward ko pa 'to sa mga officemates ko dahil in furnez nakakatawa naman talaga yung iilan dito (at may mga nakakainis din)! No. 3 at 7 ang mga lines na patok sa akin.

So, baka lang kelangan nyo ng date sa Pasko?! Heto ang mga nakakatawang pick-up lines. Go, go, go!!! Ma-mick-up na!!! :p

1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko...

paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo...

2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola?

ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko...

3. Uy picture tayo!!!

para ma-develop tayo!!!

4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita?

hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss...

5. Can i take your picture??

coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for christmas!

6. Ako ay isang exam.

Kaya sagutin mo na ako...

7. Nde tayo tao... Nde tayo hayop...Eh ano tayo ?

"BAGAY" tayo!

8. Centrum ka ba??

kasi you make my life complete!

9. Miss pwede ba kita maging driver?

para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko...

10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal?

ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo...

11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard?

kasi type kita.. .

12. I hate to say this but... You are like my underwear...

coz i can't last a day without you!

13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida...

kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko...

14. Are you Jamaican?

kasi Ja-maican me crazy!

15. Sana "T" na lang ako..

para i'm always right next to "U"

16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo?

may sira ata relos ko... pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras...

17. Me lisensya ka ba?

coz you're driving me crazy!

18. I'm a bee...

can you be my honey?

19. Nakakatakot di ba ang multo?

pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko...

20. Am I a bad shooter?

coz i keep on missing you...

21. Excuse me... Are you a dictionary?

because you give meaning to my life...

22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight?

O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako?

23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh?

kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad...

24. Hey, did you fart??

coz you blew me away!!

25. Bangin ka ba?

Baket ako nahulog sayo ?

26. Pustiso ka ba?

kasi, can't smile without you...

27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh?

maghapon at magdamag kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh...

28. Me butas ba puso mo?

kasi na-trap na ako sa loob, can't find my way out!

29. Anung height mo??

ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko...

North and South Poles of Love

2007-10-30T03:40:00.001+08:00

I had an interesting weekend. Well, watching all the DVDs and the movies in TV that I can get hold of didn't really contribute to it being interesting.

Not because I went somewhere interesting but because two of my friends had to consult me with their heart problems. One was falling in love. The other was about to lose the girl he said he wanted to marry.

Interesting. Two of my friends at opposite sides of the love spectrum at the same time. The other one made me feel warm all over with all the great possibilities ahead of her. The other made me want to cry and curse the girl who treated him badly.

So ganon nga lang talaga noh. Tama si Booba. Ang buhay parang bilog. Minsan nasusunog.

Ay, love pala 'to. Ba't napunta sa sunog.

Well, you get burned either way with love. Burned with so much love and desire at the beginning at major burned kapag chugi na ang love lines sa conversation nyo. Haaaaay. Ang love. Nakakaloka.

I guess I just have to be what I have to be with these 2 friends of mine. That is be a good friend and just be supportive. Ano pa nga ba?! E di sasabihin ko sa isang inlababo na mag-ingat at wag magpakabugok sa love hangga't hindi siya sigurado na gusto nya talagang pag-aksayahan ng oras, pagod at pera ang girlalu. At sa isang friend ko na akala nya papakasalan na nya pero hindi pa pala, good for him! Fate has saved him money, effort and time na dapat sa totoong karapat-dapat pagbigyan. And I'll be there pag dumating yun. Makikinig ng mga kilig stories and moments.

E ganon talaga. Ang Love parang gulong, minsan nasa taas ka at super saya ka. Minsan naman flat tire.

Buti na lang, hindi pa ako in love ulit. Wag muna. Ok na ako makinig sa mga nilalang na to. For now.

Ode to Uncle

2007-10-26T23:52:00.000+08:00

Ngayon ko lang ata gagawin 'to. Pero dahil mahilig ka namang sumilip ng blog ko at basahin kahit na maraming beses ko nang sinabing "Waaaaaag! Ayaw!", heto na. For the first time ever in my blogging life, I am writing about the only real thing I have now.

E pano, kelan ka lang naman dumating sa buhay ko kaya ngayon ko lang din pwdeng i-blog di ba?

Oo, ikaw. Ano ba? Drop the innocent look!

Ayoko naman maging mushy at senti. Nandidiri nga ako minsan sa mga heart breaking love stories na parang katapusan na ng mundo dahil nag-break at hindi naging happy ending. At hindi rin naman 'to tungkol sa breakup. Because we are very much together. And I hope it's not too much if I wish for forever this time - for the first time.

Ok. I'll cut to the chase and I'll just say what I think can brutally sum up the experience of being with you.

"If I have to go through it all again, I would. Even if it meant wasting precious time again and again with all the assholes and heartless people I've met in my life. Yes, I will willingly go through it all again, if it all meant having this and having you. It all made sense now. You made my asshole experience(s) worth it!"

Here's to our half year and to choosing, being and staying happy... :)

Oh Nano, Nano...

2007-10-24T07:28:00.001+08:00

Anti-iPod ako. Unlike my signing up for Multiply (na libre naman), hindi ako nagpa-peer pressure sa pagbili ng kahit anong iPod (make that any Apple gadget) nung lahat na ng nasa paligid ko ay may iPod na nagsusulputan na parang kabute in their rainbow colors complete with their super protective accessories.

So, bakit ayoko ng iPod? Let's enumerate.

Reason no.1 - Wala ako nito (anti nga e!).

Reason no. 2 - (linked to Reason no.1) I think it's overprized compared to its other pa-low profile mp3 and mpeg players. So if ever I'd buy an mp3 player, I'd opt for those other brands. Kung anong brand, hindi ko alam. Wala naman kasi akong balak bumili. Period.

Reason no.3 - Isa akong saksi sa pagkawala ng buhay ng iPod. May iPod ang dati kong roommate and very good friend Nette (hi dear!) at isang araw, walang pasintabi, namatay na lang ito bigla. Kahit anong gawing restart, walang nangyari. Wala. E sa dun na lang talaga ang kaya nyang itakbo.

Wait.

Let's pause for a moment of silence for the demise of her iPod.
*pause* (hinga) *silence*

So nung namatay ang iPod nya, nabuhay sya pansamantala sa aking super simple but reliable mp3-slash-recorder-slash radio player na USB din. And then she opted to buy a different brand of mp3 player to replace her iPod. Haaaay, there goes one buyer off the iPod market!

Pero ngayong araw na 'to, parang nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin. Ewan ko ba. Parang gusto ko na yata sya. Parang napamahal na ako sa kanya. Parang pwde naman ata kami mag-workout.

Hmm...hindi kaya dahil binigyan ako ng boss ko ng iPod nano?!

Well, bakit ba? Balimbing na kung sa balimbing. E sa libre e.

Ah kaya naman pala ayaw ko ng iPod ay dahil sa reason no.1. Wala akong iPod dahil nanghihinayang akong bumili ng isang clear-cut 'want' at hindi 'need'. Oo nga naman. Ibibili ko na lang ng bag na astig sa baghaus.com. Matutuwa pa ako.

But then I love free stuff! Free! Free! Free! I love my new iPod nano. :)

Grabe! I love BestBuy! I love my Project! I love you talaga!!!

Hmm...maka-surf na nga ng mga astig na accessories. Nuninuninuuu....

Sell-Out

2007-10-18T06:08:00.000+08:00

So anong bago? Hayun! Meron na rin akong Multiply account. Sa totoo lang, nakakatamad mag-maintain ng mga gantong kakulitan kaya for the longest time Friendster lang ang meron ako pero dahil na rin sa peer pressure, nagpa-pressure na ako. Tutal masaya naman makiusyoso ng mga bagong nangyayari sa buhay ng ibang tao, kaya naisip ko na rin, why not? Kaya heto, join na ako sa new sosyal tool of stalkers and friendly beings out there.

Welcome to Multiply!!! :)

Yes! Sell-out na ako!!!

In furnez, mas maraming pwedeng itapon na pics dito. Hmmm...pwede na. Pwede na rin 'to kesa mag-maintain ako ng Flickr at Yahoo Photos accounts. At naaliw rin ako kasi pwede pa maglagay ng mp3s at dahil member na ako, pwde na rin mamirata ng mp3s ng ibang tao. Hmmm...ok naman din pala. Para ring Friendster with an added oomph. May calendar pang nalalaman at blogspot na parehong hindi ko naman gagamitin pero cool na rin.

Ok fine. Multiply it is! http://charmingconsi.multiply.com. I love it (*Paris tone)!

Today

2007-10-16T08:52:00.000+08:00

I was watching Inside Actor's Studio when one of the greatest actors of this generation said "Today is a tomorrow I was worried about yesterday."

That great actor who is also a scipt writer, painter and pianist is Anthony Hopkins.

Buffalo Wings

2007-10-13T03:02:00.000+08:00

220pm na dito. Friday, Oct.12 pero lalabas sa blog ko Oct. 13 na dahil hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin ina-adjust ang oras ng blog ko. Wala lang. Pero usually dahil tamad lang talaga ako magbutingting ng blog ko. (Antamad ko nga maglagay ng pics at di na nga nagbago ang hitsura nitong blog ko e, pag-adjust pa kaya ng oras?)

Anyway, going back...Ayan. Handa na ang bag ko. Ok na lahat. Naka-empake na. Magsi-siesta na lang ako at paggising ko, go na to the airport to see Niagara Falls!!!

Actually, bukas ko pa sya talaga makikita dahil 12midnight na ata kami makakarating sa hotel. Kaya kahit na may forecast ng ulan bukas buong araw, dedma. Go pa rin kami.

At dahil pupunta kami sa Buffalo, bigla kong naisip na kelangan kong kumain ng Buffalo Wings! Mataas ang expectation ko na masarap. Dahil kung hindi, e di sana dito na lang sa tabi-tabi ako bumili. Kahit nga sa suking tindahan ng Cub dito sa Edina Minnesota, meron non. Kaya umaasa ako na masarap. At tipong masasabi ko na 'Aaah, kaya naman pala Buffalo Wings...'

Yun lang. Share ko lang. At oo nga pala, Happy birthday to me!!! :)

Nice Surprises

2007-10-11T02:58:00.001+08:00

When I got home yesterday, I saw 2 boxes by my door. I figured the one that's shaped like a shoe box is the Converse pair I bought more than a week ago. So yay!!!!

With the bigger box, I have no idea what it is or where it came from. I had a hunch Mark got it for me cause he hasn't been quite discreet on letting me know that he got something for me for my birthday. E ano naman kaya 'to? So I hurried, got a kitchen knife and stabbed the box's taped sides to open it. Ta-daaaaah!!! Wii Dance Revo Bundle!!! Super yay!!! Sobrang natuwa ako!!! If only I didn't have to hurry to make dinner and go to the cantor workshop and audition, I would have popped the disc in my Wii console and danced on the pad like there's no tomorrow.

And so I didn't dance revo yet. I waited for Mark to have dinner and thanked him for giving me the amazing toy! But he was surprised when he saw only 2 opened boxes on my table. He kept on asking me if I got another package. I showed him my new Converse shoes and told him '2 boxes. Ito na yun! Wow! Meron pa?'

Turns out I have another gift from him and it was supposed to arrive the same time the Dance Revo game did. So making a call, we learned it was delivered to the leasing office of the apartment instead of getting dumped at my doorstep. I really didn't care that it's not there yet. The fact that there's another box waiting for me within 2-mile radius of my apartment is more than enough reason for me to have a big wide grin plastered on my face.

Yey!!! Meron pang isa!!! Isa pa! Isa pang gift!!! Although Mark kinda dampened my spirits for 2 seconds when he told me right away that it's not a dog and it's not a chinny (guinea pig) either, I still think it's superb of him to get me two gifts!!! Yay!!!

My day didn't end there though. After dinner, I went to the parish and braved the cold breeze and the fact that I was the only new blood trying to be a cantor. Cantor is the lead singer of the choir. Soloista-slash-lector. I've been a choir member for more than a year now here at St. Richard's Parish and it's only now that they held a workshop-slash-audition. Most of the cantors are veterans. Literally and figuratively. Literal dahil karamihan, may puti na ang buhok. Shempre, ako lang ang Asian na mukhang batang paslit na pinabili lang ng patis sa kanto at naligaw sa simbahan. And figuratively speaking, cause one of them has been doing it for 7 years and the newbies they consider have been at it for 3 years. Shempre, dahil makapal ang mukha ko, kinapalan ko pa lalo! Pumunta talaga ako ron at umupo kasama sila na parang feeling 'I belong'. Inisip ko lang 'Kiber! Kung hindi matanggap, e di choir pa rin ako. Aalis na naman ako sa January so mga ilang buwan na lang akong magpapakita sa mga 'to.'

Una, pina-sample muna ako na mag-announce ng 'Welcome to St. Richard's' spiel na walang mic. Salamat at malakas ang boses ko at nakapasa naman. Medyo parang tough twister nga lang yung phrase na yun kaya parang nagtunog na 'Welcome to St. Rischard'ssshhh Parish!' yung pagkasabi ko. Di naman sila nag-react. Kaya dedma na lang. Kunwari di ko rin napansin. Pero panay na lunok ko kasi feeling ko tatalsik na laway ko anytime. Pagkatapos ng tongue-twising event na yun, pinakanta nila ako ng kahit anong Psalm sa Gather book. E since di ko naman alam ang mga Psalms sa book dahil choir lang ako at puro Refrain lang ang kinakanta ko, kinanta ko yung natatandaan ko pa ng slight dahil 2 weeks ago lang namin kinanta. So Psalm 139 it is. Happy the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God.

Hala! Aba akalain mo nga naman! Kinaya ko! At mega rave ang reviews!!! Awwwwww...they like me. They sooooo like me *blush*! Sniff..sniff... Nakaka-tempt mang kunin ang Gather song book at mag-speech ng 'I would like to thank my parents...chuchuchu', pero pinigil ko na rin. Mega ngiti and training beauty queen na lang ako while they were giving me comments na parang American Idol ang dating. 'Very natural.' 'I like your gestures.' 'This is the first time Consi tried out to be a cantor but she sounded like a pro.'

At marami pang super over my head comments. Chu-chuchu. Chu-chu-chuchu.

So in short, cantor na ako! Baka next month ako mag-start. Di ko pa alam. Baka hectic ang schedule. Charing! Pero sabi nga ng isa kong kasama "It's not a performance. It's a chance to lead the congregation in song and worship" O di ba? Shala!!! Luvs it!!!

Oo nga. Napaaga nga ata ang birthday ko this year. Andami ng regalo, wala pa man lang Oct.13th. Haaaaaay...love pa rin ako ni God kahit na sutil at atat ako lately.

Hosha, kanta na lang ako...Happy the poor in spirit, theirs is the kingdom of God...

Super Sadness Part 2

2007-10-04T11:33:00.000+08:00

E sa nandyan na yan e.

Nangyari na.

Wala na akong magagawa di ba?

Kundi tanggapin na lang.

At ituring na lang syang parang anak ko na rin.

Oo Dennis. Aakuin ko syang parang tunay kong anak.

Note: Wala lang. Ang saya lang ma-carried away sa issue. Hehehehe.

Pre-Birthday Blues

2007-10-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

Ayoko pa ata mag-birthday.

Hindi dahil ayoko pa tumanda. Hindi dahil kapag tinanong ako kung anong edad ko, hindi ko na pwedeng sabihing mid-20s. Hindi dahil parang tumatagal yata ng hindi ko inaasahan ang quarter life crisis ko. Hindi dahil dalawang tumbling na lang at wala na ako sa Pebrero.

Pwede ko siguro ubusin ang character limit ng blog ko pero hindi ko pa rin masasabi lahat ng it's-not-those-reasons sa utak ko. That or pagod na ako at ayoko na lang mag-isip.

I think both.

Hindi talaga ako mapakali. Halos isang linggo na lang at kailangan ko na namang tumanda. At parang natatakot ako na wala yata akong masyadong pinagkatandaan. Well, hindi naman sa wala talaga. Hindi ko lang ata inaasahan na by this time, I would find myself here. Nowhere and surrounded by a cloud of uncertainty. May mga gabi na napapatanga lang ako at iniisa-isa ko sa utak ko lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko. Ano bang magagawa ko pa para maayos 'tong pamilya kong sabog? Masaya na ba talaga ako sa trabaho ko? Kapag tinopak ba ako at sinimot ko ang savings ko para bumili ng 2nd hand na auto at binili ko lahat ng Kate Spade na bag na gusto ko, may makakain pa ba ako? At syempre nandyan ang mga mas importanteng mga bagay tulad ng...Tatangkad pa kaya ako? Pwde kayang maging kamukha ko si Zhang Ziyi? Hindi ba talaga sa akin ang anak ni Dennis Trillo?

Pasalamat ako sa Diyos at may nag-iisang maayos at sigurado ngayon sa buhay ko. Hindi na papayat ang boypren ko.

Ay, at isa pa pala. Na mukhang sa lahat ng mali kong ginawa, tumama na yata ako sa aspeto ng pagpili ng lalake.

Pero dahil tao lang ako at hindi marunong makuntento, hindi pa rin ako 101% masaya. At kelangan talaga 101% dahil over-achiever ako.

GOD, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Hindi naman ako humihingi ng Serenenity at Wisdom. Mukhang ok na ako ron. Kailangan ko ata ng maraming courage. God, pengeng isang sakong courage as my birthday gift. I need a change. A big change. I just don't know where to start and what I should change.

I'm hoping one of these days, God will show me what I should do. And because He's ever so generous, He will give me choices. Difficult ones. At nakikinita ko ng Deal or No Deal ang drama nito.

Hello, Banker?

Haaaaay...Goodluck sa akin at sana hindi makulitan sa akin si Banker.

Super Sadness

2007-10-02T05:56:00.001+08:00

Akala ko sobrang malas ko na nung nakaraang linggo.

Akala ko tapos na ang pag-iiyak ko.

Akala ko dahil sobrang lungkot ko noon ay magiging masaya na ako ngayong darating na linggo.

Pero biglang kinausap ako ng kaibigan ko.

Bigla nyang sinabi ang balita.

May anak ka na pala. At itinatwa mo pa noong una.

At syempre, hindi ako ang ina.

Bakit? Bakit ang sakit?

Haaaaay, Dennis Trillo. Sagutin mo. Bakiiiiiiit?

This Girl's InLab With U Pare!

2007-09-12T03:13:00.000+08:00

Note: Para sa mga in-lab sa barkada nila ang blog entry na 'to! :)

1:18am Sunday. Gising pa ako. Kakaiba 'to. Usually gising lang ako ng gantong oras kapag nasa gimik, minumulto (may multo sa kwarto ko...pero different blog entry na lang yun) o kaya sobrang bondat sa kabusugan. So anong sagot sa pagpupuyat ko? Letter D. As in D. None of the above.

Namfoknat naman! Kung kelan ako tumanda at nagkaisip, saka ko pinagdadaanan ang highschool emotional whirl.

You know how it goes... Matagal ng friends si girl and guy. Ok naman sila. Masaya. Gaguhan. Kulitan. From the start, si girl tingin lang kay guy ay friend. Si guy naman, tingin kay girl one of the boys. But nooooo!!! After 10,000 years, nagising si girl.

Tiiiiiiinnnnngggg!!!

DAH! Like pala niya si guy. And I mean SOBRANG LIKE, like super like to the point na naisip niya, siya na yata ang kanyang THE ONE. Just when this happened, saka nagsabi si guy na may nakilala syang girl na decided na nyang ligawan dahil he firmly believes, ito na ang kanyang THE ONE.

O di ba? Matagal nang kumita 'to sa mga kanta, pelikula, email chains at kahit sa Love Notes ni Joe D Mango, nabulaslas na 'to.

So let me say it again. Namfoknat naman!

How can you reconcile that and just accept that just when you finally realized that your THE ONE has another THE ONE in mind? Anlabo di ba? Pero syempre, kelangan kong paalalahanan ang sarili ko na dalagang Pilipina ako kaya wala akong gagawin. Hahayaan ko na lang ang kirot sa paminsan-minsang pagkukwento niya tungkol sa DA GIRL nya. Wish upon a star na lang na magiging ok din ako. In time. Mamanhid din.

So what are my next steps? Ipapaskel ko sa salamin sa CR ko ang phrase 'This too shall pass' para maalala ko na isa itong pagtutunggali ng mind over heart at gagawin ko ang lahat para si mind ang manalo. Paulit-ulit kong sasabihin na 'Wala lang 'to!' kapag sinusumpong sya ng pagka-sweet at sa paningin ko cute pa rin sya kahit mukhang hindi nagsuklay at walang kwenta pumorma. Itutuloy ko pa rin ang chat sessions at full attendance pa rin ako sa mga gimiks para mag-shopping o lumabas sa kung saan man dahil we're just friends and friends do that at dahil na rin mao-obvious kung iiwas ako. Hahayaan ko ang sarili ko na tumingin sa paligid at maghanap ng ibang prospects dahil wala na talagang pag-asa 'to. At higit sa lahat, hindi na muna ako makikinig ng senti music while rain is dripping down my window pane para maiwasan ang MTV moments that I so love to succumb to.

Haaaay! Please tell me, this is a brilliant plan. Puh-leaaaaseeeee...

Goodluck! Goodluck na lang talaga to me!

Pano Ubusin Ang 8 Hrs...

2007-09-12T02:34:00.001+08:00

Requirement: Internet access. Preferrably DSL at wireless

Optional : Food and drink of your choice conveniently placed within your reach

1. Catch up on cheeezmeeez. Go to E! News Online, Pep.ph

2. Youtube. Forever.

3. Organize your mp3 collection by Artist, Genre, OST, Moment Needed, etc

4. Blog at magbasa ng blog ng iba. Stalk!!!

5. Follow-up on #4. Go on a stalker mode with Friendster, Multiply, Facebook, etc.

6. Maglinis at mag-organize ng Outlook inbox, sent at deleted items.

7. Chat galore

8. Matulog. Pero kelangan ang cube mo ay perfectly positioned to be obscure. At utang na loob, wag ka mag-snore kung ayaw mo mahuli.

Random Boredom

2007-09-06T05:37:00.000+08:00

Medyo lang super duper bored na ako at naatat na akong umuwi. It's 442pm here and I'm waiting for my carpool buddy to finish working. It's our own small way of saving mother earth by chunking up less gas. At least, isa sa amin totoong nagtatrabaho 'di ba? Ako, heto. Nakanganga. Naghihintay kung matutuloy ba 'tong project namin o hindi. Ewan ko ba. Tinopak ang client namin. Kesyo kulang daw sa budget. Kesyo 'di raw nila yata kelangan ang ide-develop naming application kaya wag na lang paggastusan. Kesyo pag-iisipan pa raw nila. Mga 2 weeks daw. Kaya heto, wala akong choice kundi bumanjing at mag-pretend na hindi ako natatakot kung saan ako pupulutin kung hindi matuloy 'tong project na 'to. For 2 whole weeks.

Actually, medyo nakakatamad na nga. Gusto ko namang may gawin. Pero tapos ko na rin kasi ang mga tasks ko for until next week (Ay! Ganon? Pabiboh?). Mga chenelyn chembular ribbon trimmings na lang ang kulang at plangak! Deliverable na! Kaya pagbigyan nyo na ako. May karapatan akong tumanga, at mag-blog ng thought bubbles ko. Wag ka na mainis. Binabasa mo rin naman 'to. Pampalipas oras mo rin 'to.

Ok. Tama na 'to. Uwian na!

Grey Area

2007-09-05T04:33:00.000+08:00

I was cleaning up my PC when I saw this article I wrote few years ago. You know that weird feeling when you read something and you realize it was you who wrote it? Well, this one is way off the charts. I was just shocked after I read it. I don't remember sounding so idealistic, so hopeful and a little sad until I bumped into this! Now that I'm thinking about it, I actually don't know why I never posted it back then and why I'm posting it now. Well, maybe, just maybe, there's a thing or two that can be learned aside from being more realistic, less kind and forward-looking (kidding!). So just read on. For me, it was just serious yet entertaining... :)

I am in one very, very gray area. Some say I’ve been here too long. I wake up each day asking myself “Is this the day yet?”, hoping that I’ll finally know if I should run away or I should keep on fighting. It’s like waiting for a sign and as each day passes, I get more and more scared that it might not come. But then I see him trying to make up for time lost and for mistakes made. The fear diminishes a little as I see him fighting too. But then I see my other foot is still outside, ready to take the hopeful other foot away from the ground of ‘What if I stay?’.

Cool off. I don’t get it why people call something that’s definitely not a cool situation to be in. But there’s truth in it being off. It does really feel off. Some may call it taking time and giving space between the couple. But it’s just that gray area between together and separated, between holding on and giving up, between saying ‘I love you’ and crying ‘Goodbye’. There’s a thin line between loving someone and wasting your time. And this is the time to know which side you’re in. It’s a mixed bag of what ifs, past memories, emotions, opinions and blank moments. But there’s one painful truth in the cool off stage. You’re apart. And it’s just one sigh away in becoming final.

In moments like these, some things are never quite enough. You’d think he didn’t fight for me enough. His patience was not enough. He didn’t appreciate me enough. He didn’t understand me enough. He didn’t care enough. He didn’t love me enough. But when all is over and when you’ve finally decided to let it go, you’d still wonder. Did I try hard enough?

I am at that spot. Am I trying hard enough?

It’s ironic. Just when I thought I can let go, I chose to stay.

Once it was said, in a lifetime, you’d meet your core-changing person. Someone will shake you like a visitor shakes a snow glass when she sees it on display. It’s a visitor’s urge because she knows there’s more to it than what is inside the water-filled glass. I don’t know with core-changing people but with visitors, somehow, there’s beauty in seeing the snow fall.

I am inside that snow glass. And he just happens to be my core-changing person.

When do you say this is just too little, too late? When do you draw the line and say this is the part where we should quit? When do you say that I am wasting my time and I must go on? When is it right to give that second chance? When do you rise above the occasion and tell the world to hell with what they think cause you’re going to stay?

When is it braver to leave and let go?

When you both realize that there is a wide open door, when it hits you that it’s perfectly fine to leave, when you appreciate that it is possible that both of you can get out of this unscathed. When you know you both can be happy apart. The desperation is gone. There’s no one to blame. No bitterness to feel.

That’s when you know you’re free.

So Just Meet the Parents

2007-08-29T05:59:00.001+08:00

Sinisipag ata akong magsulat ngayon. That or I just don't want to work. I say both! Yay! :)

So I'm meeting his parents this weekend. We're flying to California. I've been dreading it for 3 months now. I've never been great at dealing with parents - I'm saying this from my experience with my exes. I've had 3 and all of them started out great and then it just turned blackhole bad and went the opposite direction at the end of the relationship. But I survived and after a while I knew it was inevitable because at the back of my head that even if I was in denial, they weren't forever for me.

Well, the vey scary thing now is, I'm not anticipating this one I'm in will end. Well, at least not in a million years.

So either I deal with this now, or I deal with this now.

So great. I actually have no choice!

If loving the person meant accepting and loving everyone that made him to what he is now, then here I am just doing that. I've been assured and re-assured a lot of times that they're nice people and they don't meddle with the affairs of their children. That's good. It made me breathe normal for 2 minutes.

So I'm packing my bags. I'll be getting on that plane and meeting the parents. I do hope they like me not because I love their son more than I thought it's possible for me to love someone, but because they actually have no reason not to like someone who struggles to be normal most of the time! :) Well, I try. I try harder actually. And I won't lie to them if they ask me how it's possible I got hooked this badly.

I'm scared. And it's the good-bad-scary mix. The only comforting thing here is this time, someone's holding my hand.

And it's really tight.

Concert Quarter

2007-08-28T23:29:00.000+08:00

Michael Buble, Josh Groban, Goo goo Dolls, Lifehouse,Colbie Caillat and Dave Matthews.

In furnez, may silbi naman pala ang pagkaka-exile ko rito sa Estados Hamericah! Super mega grover to the max ang enjoyment sa mga concerts na 'to. Kahit na ba pag kinompute ang lahat ng nagasta ko ay makakabili na sana ako ng nice ensemble kikay Nordstrom/Macy's outfit na hindi sale, worth it pa rin. Luvs it!

Swerte lang talaga na kahit halos last minute na kami naghahagilap ng tickets ay nakakakuha pa rin kami ng to-die-for seats. Hindi ko ata ipagpapalit ang moments na halos kita ko na ang pores ni Michael Buble (na wala naman halos dahil sa lamig ng Canada, nag-close na lahat!), medyo natalamsikan ako ng pawis ni Josh (hold me, I'm fainting!!!), nakita ko up close kung gano ka-adik ang Goo goo dolls, ma-prove that being handsome is not a bonus when you have rock star voice like that of the lead singer of Lifehouse at mapamahal sa little black dress ni Colbie na bordering nakakainis na nakakainggit kasi sexy sya.

And Dave Matthews? I just had to give a whole paragraph to describe the experience. Sweat, near-tears and hours of cursing the traffic and all the hardship I had to go through just to hear and see Dave Matthews Band play their super extended na, in-extend pa version of their hits. You've never seen middle of nowhere if you've never been to East Troy, Wisconsin. Literal na sa gitna ng corn fields ginawa ang concert. Grabe. Kelangan pa mag-hike to get to the venue. Looking at left and right, feeling ko lang nagpapaligsahan ang mga barns kung saan ang may pinaka-quaint location na pwedeng mag-shooting ang Smallville!!! Namench! Barns everywhere and windmills on my mind ang drama with acres of corn fields to date ang paligid! Pinakapasakit na concert to date with an estimate of 10k people drunk, boozed and high in music euphoria in attendance. We drove for almost 12 hrs - weewee break, gas, kain at check-in lang sa hotel ang pahinga. Of course, after getting my fix of 2nd hand jutes from a 50 yr old mother at somewhat madaganan ng isang lasing na blondie na kita na ang left cup bra nya sa kalasingan nya, bagsak talaga ako pag-uwi sa hotel. To sum it up in one word - UBER!

For the love of music talaga itoh! At oo naman! It was worth it!

Next...Maroon5 in October! :)

Busy-busyhan...

2007-08-14T10:33:00.001+08:00

I have this strong nagging feeling. Parang naghuhumiyaw na ang blog spot kong 'to..."Hoy! Magsulat ka naman! Lekat ka! Nagka-boypren ka lang, tinamad ka na mag-blog..."

Ok-ok. Ito naaaaa...magsusulat na!

Hindi naman porke nagka-boypren na ako, nawalan na ako ng yearning sa pagsusulat (That's it. Yearning talaga?!). And it's not because I am finally happy kaya tumigil na ako sa pagba-blog dahil hindi naman totoong tuwing krayola depressing moments, kapag walang magawa at gusto ko lang magpapansin, ay masasabi kong worthy of my precious time ang blogging (although on certain occasions, hindi na ako magmamalinis. I plead guilty). Ang totoo po nyan, kaya ako natahimik ay dahil uber lang talaga ako sa pagka-busy. AS IN. Lunod ever! Hanggang leeg ang waters! Di pa naman ako magaling mag-swim!!!

Ok. Case in point -- Simulan natin sa trabaho. Work has been demanding. Araw-araw sa oficina, may meeting. Every week may deliverables sa harap ng mga bossings. Tuwing Viernez o Savadow ng gabi, kelangan na lang laging mag-gayak para sa another yet ribbong cutting ceremony (exag!!!). At parang wala atang araw sa nakalipas na dalawang buwan na hindi naka-alarm ang relo ko sa umaga. Uber! Family issues, dumagdag pa na parang kabute kung sumulpot. At tila napaaga ang panahon ng taglagas dito dahil bawat linggo, may umaalis pauwing Manila. Kaya hayun. Kelangang sulitin ang mga araw dahil matagal pa, o kung magre-resign man, hindi na magkikita ulit. Nakakalungkot na masaya. Laging lafhang ang drama. Laging may gimik. Laging may bagong rent na dvd. Maingay. At ang 'pwede bang bumili ng bagong legs at paa dahil uber na ang malling na 'to?'-kind of syndrome ay damang-dama ko talaga. Laging busog. Laging may Videoke. Wii. Xbox360. Haaaay... Naubos na nga ang vitamins ko at iron dahil sa mega puyat na sunud-sunod. Pero ganon talaga. Nakakapagod pero kelangang sulitin. No day but today. Kaya hayun, nasulit din ang moisturizer creme ko for eyebags. Kaloka!

Haaaaaay...Nitong huling Sabado at Linggo lang ako nakatulog ng walong oras na dire-diretso with power naps on the side. I tell you. Super luvs it! At uulitin ko ito!!! Ang sarap kaya magkulong sa bahay at ubusin ang oras ng wala lang! Kaya pagkatapos ng magulong 2 buwan, balik taong-bahay lang ako. Balik sa nood TV. Balik sa nood dvd. Balik sa pagtunganga sa dingding, sa kisame, sa bintana at sa kung saan man.

Yun lang, may kasama na akong manonood ng TV at dvd, at tutunga sa dingding, sa kisame, sa bintana at kung saan man.

So siguro pwede na rin. Wag na rin ako mag-inarte at magreklamo...noh :)

Pramis. Balik blogging na ako!:)

US Visa At Si Mudra

2007-07-27T22:59:00.000+08:00

So hindi nabigyan ng US visa ang mudra ko.

Invern. Kainelz.

Ang tagal ko pa namang pinangarap na makapunta sya rito. Basta. Isa sa mga checklist ko bago ako ma-chugi sa mundo ang makapunta ang nanay ko rito sa US. Para makapasyal naman sya. Para makita naman nya ang snow at hindi makuntento sa styrosnow. Para matikman niya ang turkey sa Thanksgiving. Para ma-nosebleed sya sa pag-e-English. Para matakot sya mag-drive sa freeway. Para makita si Mickey. Para makita ang mga kamag-anak niya. Para makita ako kung pano ang buhay ko rito...

Mukhang hindi ko ata mache-check ang box sa tabi ng 'MOM chorma to US' sa aking checklist. O siguro hindi pa ngayong taon. Sana.

Ewan ko ba. Minsan ganon talaga ang buhay. Parang gulong. Nasusunog. At minsan gumuguho ang pangarap mo dahil lang sa isang kupal na consul na ayaw maniwala na hindi naman sobrang ganda ng bansa na lahat na lang ng mapadpad dun ay siguradong mag-t-TNT. Uber sa self esteem!!!

Ok. Di na ako magpapaka-bitter. Meron pa namang next time. Habang may buhay, may US embassy schedule interview. At habang may schedule, may chance na matatapat ang nanay ko sa matinong consul. Haaaay...Yun lang.

2 Months

2007-06-26T10:35:00.000+08:00

So it's been awhile since I last wrote an entry here. Medyo na-miss ko rin. In furnez to me, naging busy ang mga events sa buhay ko. Hindi na lang ako laging nakatunganga, nag-aayos ng mp3s, nagluluto, nagpapaka-achay o nagwi-window shopping. I can truly say with utmost conviction without batting an eyelash 'Yes! May buhay na ako!'

Yun lang. Happy ako. Super.

Today

2007-04-26T21:39:00.000+08:00

Today, I was found. And it turned out to be more than I ever thought I wanted and needed.

Poem for the Month

2007-04-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Lei for sending this to me. It's really nice! :)

"You Are Jeff"
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you didn't even have a name for.

- Richard Siken

Ay...

2007-03-24T14:04:00.000+08:00

Nakita ko ang pics ng isa sa mga exes ko. At walang halong bitterness at kung anuman (Naman! Ang tagal na naming break!!! Milleniums na ang nakakalipas...Utang na loob!), isa lang ang nasabi ko...

'Ay, ba't ang panget na niya? Ano nangyari???'

Nalungkot ako bigla.

Pano na yan? 'Di na tuloy ako pwedeng maging proud 'nyan na naging kami at patay na patay ako sa kanya dati. Haaaay...oh well. Ganyan lang talaga ang buhay. Parang gulong, minsan nasusunog...

Takot ako sa karma pero nagpapakatotoo lang din ako...*sigh* Nakakalungkot talaga.

So. OK.

2007-03-23T01:45:00.000+08:00

So.

Hindi ko alam kung saan kita ika-categorize sa buhay ko. Filled-up na ang slots for happy and gay friends. At kahit gay ka pa, hindi ka pa rin papasa dahil kasing straight ka ng buhok mong makapal! Ubos na rin ang slots for my closet and eskaparate gay friends. Wala ka na ring puwang for straight male friends (I can only have so much straight guy friends - they drive me nuts!). Hindi ko rin makitang 'kuya' material ka (kahit na papasa ka 'atang tito ko sa hitsura mo. Ya!).

So?

Hindi naman kita ma-consider na acquaintance lang. Kasi hindi naman tayo hi-hello friends who pass by each other in the corridors. Maraming gabi at almost madaling araw na rin tayong nag-uusap sa chat at sa fone. At maraming beses na 'ring sinimulan at tinapos ko ang araw na ikaw ang kasama at kausap ko.

So...

Ano na lang ba ang natira kundi ang non-platonic aspect of life? Pero hindi ko maisip na boyfriend-material ka. Dahil una, hindi ka swak sa 'template' ko. At pupusta ako sa Texas Holdem All-In na hindi mo rin ako type. Pero hindi ko rin naman pwedeng ikaila na nakakatuwa at nakakatawa ka. AS IN. Abnormal! Flip enough to shake hands with Cheer Bear and for Bibe to greet you good morneeeeeng!

So, OK.

For now, you're that guy I greet good morning to everyday na nagrereklamo kapag na-miss ko ang isang umaga na hindi ko ginawa with my perky rendition of 'good morneeeeeng'. For now, you're the guy who made me drive to downtown MN for the first time dahil lang inaantok ka. For now, you're the first person who called me brat. For now, ikaw ang taong napikon ko sa chat at the next day, nagtaka tayo pareho kung ba't parang buong umaga tayong 'di nag-usap. For now, you're that person who made me smile after my long hibernation...

OK.

For now you'll be that. And I'm OK. I'm perfectly OK with that. At least, after that crash and burn I had a month ago, you came out of nowhere and made it better. And that's something I can thank you for. And I thank God for.

So, OK. Thank you.

Spreeeeeeeng

2007-03-14T06:33:00.000+08:00

Ewan ko ba. Kakaiba ang epekto sa akin ng spring. Parang feeling ko, 7-11 personified ako na 24hrs happy-happy-joy-joy. Hyper and skipping (kaya nga spreeeeeng...ay corny!) with that certain good feeling. I just love the weather and I'm glad snow is melting around me.

Spring is definitely something to thank about. Tapos na ang winter. Tapos na ang lamig. Tapos na ang melancholy. New season. And I guess, with it comes new beginning. Can't wait what this season is in store for me!

Yay! Welcome spreeeeeeeng!!!

Freeway

2007-03-10T08:04:00.000+08:00

So after two thousand years (ekseherada!!!), I chanced upon your picture. I felt two things -dismay and disappointment. No more regret. No more hurt. No more sighs of thinking that I'm missing how things used to be. No more drama.

So maybe, two thousand years (AKA time) can remove all that crappy hurt in your system. And it does take time for the rationality to kick in and for your brain to say to your heart - "See? I was right!"

So maybe my mind was right. Fine. I made the right decision. I made the right choice. I guess it takes time to know and to be convinced.

It was like driving fast on a freeway and then suddenly realizing you have to take the exit -the nearest exit you can find just because you see that you're running low on gas and you seem to have no idea where the next exit will be. You weren't in the mood to get lost and to go on an adventure because aside from the fact that you've travelled long and far enough, until now, you still haven't seen any sure signs to your destination. You don't see the landmarks. You don't see the right signs. Instinct is telling you that you're going the wrong way and you have to go to the nearest gas station to fill-up your car and to ask for directions.

And you found the nearest exit and it was right by the corner. But it came too soon. You weren't prepared for it. You haven't slowed down carefully enough to take it but you slam on the breaks and turn the steering wheel anyway. You took it because you had to. Because as much as you want to wait out, you just don't know where the next exit will be. You know if you'd wait, you might get too far and you'd have to circle the whole stretch of that interstate freeway and get lost. And you can't get lost. Not with gas running low. So while you've got the gas, you took the nearest exit in sight.

Call it being coward. Call it being scared. Call it bailing out and losing spontaneity. But for me, it's about being brave - brave enough to insist on where I know I should go and what I want to get out of the trip. I was certain - certain that I want to get to my destination. I didn't want detours. I wanted assurance. I wanted clarity of directions and intentions. For once I wasn't being rash in my decisions and I was using my head with my heart. Although time is on my side, I can't waste any more of it anymore.

And knowing that all I have now is time, I felt sure that it'll all work out.

Si Cesar At Ang Friendster

2007-03-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Sabado. Umaga. Nagising ako kasi nakakasilaw ang sinag ng araw na lumalabas sa blinds ng bintana ko. Pero hindi yung paggising ko yung nakakatuwang ikwento rito kundi yung panaginip ko bago ako magising.

Sabi ng panaginip ko, boyfriend ko raw si Cesar Montano.

Whoooat? San nanggaling yun?

Hindi ko rin alam. Basta alam ko, paggising ko, naalala kong boyfriend ko siya. Ang mas nakakatuwa ron, kasama ang Friendster sa thought process ko habang nananaginip ako. Asteeeeeeeg!

Well, actually, more of hilarious! Nakakatawa siya talaga!

Napaisip tuloy ako. Ba't kaya sa lahat ba naman ng artista si Cesar Montano pa? Hellloooo??? E anlaki kaya ng boobs ni Sunshine! Mas malaki pa ata sa mukha ko. Pano ko naman mapapantayan yun? Hmmm...maybe this is some twisted way of my psyche saying 'It's not in the boobs. May laban ka naman e. Kahit wala kang boobs!' Ohhh yes!!!

Bakit hindi na lang si Dennis Trillo o si Wendell Ramos? Kung international flavor naman, bakit hindi si Ryan Phillippe, Nicholas Cage o kahit man lang si Zach Braff ng Scrubs? Sana man lang yung mga lalakeng pinagnanasaan ko naman 'di ba? Hindi si Cesar na kahit kailan, ni sa panaginip (well, ngayon napanaginipan ko na), hindi ko hinagap na pasok siya sa listahan ng aking "The Men Of My Past and Future Lifetimes". Charing! Basta. Malabo kung bakit si Cesar. Pero dahil open to interpretation ang panaginip, naisip ko tuloy na baka Cesar siguro ang name ng next boyfriend ko. Siguro hunk siya. Siguro moreno rin siya at artistahin.

Hmmm, pero type ko sa lalake mapuputi. Pano kaya yun?

At may mas bababaw pa ba sa pagkaka-interpret ko sa Cesar Montano ng panaginip ko?

Pano naman kaya nasali ang Friendster sa panaginip? Ganto lang naman yun. Nung 'kami' na ni Cesar, naisip ko na 'Hmmm...kelangan ko na i-update ang profile ko to In A Relationship dahil sinagot ko na si Cesar.' Nakakaloka hindi ba? Kahit sa panaginip, naisip ko na palitan ang Friendster profile ko. OA! Pati ba naman subconscious ko nagfi-Friendster na rin? Grabe! Bisyow na tow!

At dahil panaginip nga ito at again, open to interpretation, sinubukan kong gumawa ng analysis around it. Naisip ko na baka naman atat lang akong palitan ang profile ko. Hmmm...sige, palitan ko kaya ang status kong Single to It's Complicated. Aba! Complicated naman talaga ang ma-involve sa artista. Ikaw ba naman, maging boyfriend mo si Cesar na may asawa na tulad ni Sunshine na mas malaki pa sa mukha mo ang boobs, hindi ba naman super mega sakit sa ulo yun?

Ay, ba't bumalik na naman sa boobs ni Sunshine 'to? Balik nga tayo sa panaginip...

Dahil artista at hindi lang artistahin ang boyfriend ko, nag-feeling ako sa panaginip. Naisip ko pa na 'Wow, pang-artista level na pala ako. Asteeeeg!' Well, maraming nagsasabi (lalo na yung mga gusto akong asarin) na kamukha ko raw si Kris Aquino. Maybe this is my psyche's way of saying "Tanggapin mo na. Deal na ito. Hindi No Deal."

Uulitin ko. May mas bababaw pa ba sa pagkaka-interpret ko sa Cesar Montano ng panaginip ko?

Haaaay...nakakatawa lang talaga ang mga panaginip minsan. Buti na lang panaginip lang 'to.

Another One Of Those

2007-02-26T10:52:00.000+08:00

Sunday. Oscar night. Chips from home. Salsa made by Carlo. Hanging-out with a good friend and my now new roommate - Nette. My freshly baked Ghirardelli brownies. Phone ringing every 10 mins as Carlo wanted some Oscar gown updates while he's waiting for his plane home. Laundry drying. Food prep for tomorrow's lunch. Chatting with friends back home while watching TV.

Just one of those nights - simple, uneventful but I'm sure to remember this cause it's fun. And it marks a fresh change. At least for me.

And did I mention I love Reese's gown? And hair. And ex-hubbie? Darn!

Irish

2007-02-24T02:49:00.000+08:00

"So what? Women are fools. That's old news. But life's too short for you to give in, Irish. So fight. You fight for what's yours." - Sophie of Grey's Anatomy

I wish there's a Sophie who would talk to someone out there who needs to hear this.

Friday Na Pala

2007-02-23T08:27:00.000+08:00

Friday na. Pero ba't wala akong nararamdaman?

Wala lang. Para lang siyang isa pang araw. Isa na namang Biyernes. Pero Biyernes nga e! Dapat nagtatalon na ako sa tuwa. Skip-skip, mini-cartwheel, back flip with matching jump on air dapat ang drama ko. Pero wala. Wala talaga. Wala akong ganang matuwa kasi weekend. Gusto ko lang matulog nang matulog.

At pwde kayang paggising ko, tapos na lahat ng ito?

Friday. Gimik? Anong gimik? Hay, itutulog ko na nga lang to. Zzzzzz....

Two Words

2007-02-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

Ladies Night...Yun lang. :) Bangenge pa ako pero nandito ako sa office ngayon, on time kahit past 2am na ako nakauwi at 5 oras lang ang tulog. Marami akong natutunan kagabi in between shots and tall glasses of liquor. At dahil bangag pa ako ngayon dito sa oficina, ito lang ang mga naalala ko.

- Walang kupas. Buttons by Pussycat Dolls pa rin ang song ko sa dance floor.
- Ayoko na marinig ang Irreplaceable ni Beyonce.
- Concerned pala sa akin si Eric Onak at feeling ko magiging friends pa rin kami kahit hindi niya na ako boss.
- Kapag parehong lasing ang driver at navigator, pwede palang mawala papuntang BBY ng 1 oras kahit na dapat 10 mins. lang ang travel time.
- Hindi gwapo ang Vietnamese boyfriend ng teammate kong hot chick pero dahil kakaiba ang hitsura niya rito sa US, patok siya. Pfffft.
- Kaya ko palang mag-drive ng lasing. Gifted!
- Kaya ko palang matulog ng 230am at magising ng 630am at pumasok sa oficina ng 830am na parang walang nangyari.
- Kayang palabasin ng alcohol ang totoong kulay ng isang closet guy.
- Ang madaldal, mas madaldal kapag lasing.
- Kaya ko pala mag-discuss ng resource allocation issues at workplan kapag lasing. At wag ka! Nagme-make sense ito!

Teka, iinom muna ako ng V8 at maraming maraming tubig. Whole day meeting pa naman ako ngayon. Binawi ko na lang sa outfit ang pagka-bangenge.

Weirdly, I am loving this light-headed feeling. Next week ulit! Pero mas matindi dahil sa Vegas naman! Wuhooooo!!! :)

Taxi Text Message

2007-02-19T12:35:00.000+08:00

Ako, ang nanay ko at ang kapangyarihan ng text messaging.

'Tama ba ung tnatawag na mother's instinct?meron pang drting alam ko at nandyan lang sa tabi.wag mong hanapin at kusang darating,parang taxi yan pag naghahanap ka wala pero pag d naman sunod2.'

Maniniwala ka bang ang pinaghugutan ng text na ito ay ang mga predictions for the Year of the Sheep sa 2007 Year of the Pig?

Fact. Ang nanay ko ay naniniwala sa mga hula pero relihiyosa rin. Malabo? Being her daughter for 27 years now, I learned one essential thing. My mom is a mixture of things. She's usually hard to deal with but actually, it's very easy to make her happy. Well, if I add menopause to her outrageous personality, medyo nakakaloka nga talaga siya pero nalaman ko na ang sikreto!

Attention!

Kahit sinong nagme-menopause na nanay, atensyon lang ang katapat. Maraming-maraming atensyon. Sandamakmak. Gabundok. Nag-uumapaw. Kundi pa ba naman yan malinaw, ewan ko na lang. Kaya naman kahit malayo ako, mega text kami araw-araw. Sinusubukan ko na alam nya ang mga importanteng nangyayari sa akin. Siyempre hindi lahat sinasabi ko kasi reyna sya ng kapraningan. Grabe siya mag-alala. Sasabihin ko lang na kumakain ako ng bacon, heart attack na ang laman ng text message. At sinabi ko bang OA rin sa fast forward ang utak niya?

At dahil ayoko naman siya mamamatay sa kakaisip, hindi nya alam kapag nagkasakit ako rito. Nalalaman na lang niya kapag magaling na ako. Hindi ko sinasabi na hindi makatarungan ang lamig kahit na pinipilit niyang baka raw namamatay na ako sa lamig dahil nanonood sya ng CNN Weather araw-araw. Hindi niya alam na naloloka na ako kung pano ko maaabot ang uber sa taas na expectations ng boss kong super detail-oriented. Hindi nya alam na kulang na lang mag-cartwheel ako sa harap ng boss ko araw-araw in heels and in fashionable office attire para lang mapasaya siya. Hindi niya alam na madalas pagod na ako magluto at maghanda ng baon araw-araw. Hindi niya alam na bumili ako ng mahal na bag para lang matuwa naman ako sa sarili ko.

So yes! Masama akong anak kung yan ang batayan dahil marami siyang hindi alam. Pero yung mga juicy chismis, sinasabi ko sa kanya. Tulad ng - Sino na naman ang naloko kong nanlibre sa akin ng lunch, dinner o movie? Anong ginawa ko nung weekend? Anong kakaibang recipe na naman ang natutunan kong lutuin? Nag-choir ba ako this week? Small things. Simple things. Almost always superficial and trivial. Pero yun nga ang importante sa buhay 'di ba? Yan yung mga nakakatuwang malaman. Kaya kahit matanda na kami, naggi-girl talk pa rin kami ng nanay ko. Well, more of girl text kasi magkalayo kami.

So why the text message? Sinabi niya kasi na magaganda raw ang forecast para sa Year of the Pig. At ang sabi ko lang sa kanya ay 'Ano naman ang sabi sa lovelife Ma?' Dahil sa totoo lang, wala naman akong pake kung sabihin nila na yayaman ako, magiging successful sa career at magiginig maswerte sa taong ito. E alam ko na kaya yan! Hello? Kaya ko lahat gawin yan!

Echos!

Kung masasagot lang ng Year of the Pig ang mga tanong kong sobrang self-centered at mas importante pa sa world hunger and crusade for world peace, e 'di sana sobrang saya ko na 'di ba? Hmmm, ito lang naman ang mga tanong ko -- Ba't ang panget ng lovelife ko? Ba't laging basted material ang dumarating? Ba't walang pang-long term? Ba't parang walang dumarating na hindi sumusuko agad? Ba't yung akala ko yun na, hindi na naman? Pfffft. Sino bang niloko ko? Alam ko wala namang sagot ang Year of the Pig sa mga problema ko sa buhay dahil ako pa rin naman ang gagawa ng swerte ko. Pero parang gusto ko lang marinig na baka may sagot ang mga singkit na manghuhula. Nagbabakasali lang naman...

Haaay...asa pa akong may isasagot nga ang mga singkit. As usual, ang nanay ko ang sumagot with her 'taxi text message'. I therefore conclude, the Year of the Pig turned my mom into a psychic love consultant all of a sudden. At dun pa lang, panalo na ako! Mukhang masaya ang taong ito. Wuhoooo!!!

At hindi ko napigilang tumawa ng malakas... *snort*snort*

Welcome Year of the Fire Pig! Welcome sa buhay kong makulit! :)

Let God

2007-02-16T08:52:00.000+08:00

My bestfriend just went offline. We've been chatting since this morning and she's going home from a night shift. Her last message to me was 'Don't worry. It's in God's hands.' I just smiled. After three days of confusion and chaos, I felt calm and composed. When you've done all you could and you got tired from thinking, it's comforting to talk to a friend and hear those words.

Thank God for night shifts. Thank God for His plans that are far greater than mine. Thank God. I'm letting Him drive now...

Choices

2007-02-14T08:20:00.000+08:00

If life is all about choices and love is about taking risks, then all is good. All we have to do is try our best to think about the risks before we choose and make that leap of faith so we don't blindly gamble our hearts. When you finally make the choice, love like there's nothing else better you can do. Give yourself to that choice and continually take risks because of that choice. Fight for it. Live for it. But at the same time, never stop hoping and praying that the choice you made was right.

No one said it will be easy. Only that it could be worth it.

I guess what I'm saying is you have the choice. Always. It's not over until you say it is.

Buti Na Lang

2007-02-02T07:26:00.000+08:00

Meyn! Kung alam mo lang...you were this close tsong!!! AS IN. I was this close to taking that risk. Buti na lang talaga nalaman ko 'to sooner than later. At least nagising na ako ngayon. At yes, thank God for the answer. Pwede ring nasa harap ko lang yung sagot all along and I was just too blinded to see it. Pffft.

Hay naku. Isa lang masasabi ko. I deserve a pat on the back at isang marathon ng favorite DVD ko for this weekend. Grabe! Wala namang ibang magsasabi sa akin kaya ako na lang...'Good job Consi!' You got your answer.

(Sorry sa mga hindi maintindihan 'to. I just have to blog this one so I'd remember. Minsan kasi makakalimutin ako. Kelangan ko lang ng reminder sa sarili ko. Ayoko na yata maging sobrang bait. Masama sya. Masama ang kahit anong sobra.)

Yun lang. Moving on... :)

Pressure

2007-01-30T22:26:00.001+08:00

Gusto ko lang naman na hindi na umiyak ulit at hindi na magkamali. Posible naman 'to di ba?

Ok. Hindi ako perfect. Lalong hindi naman din ako nag-iilusyon na sobrang maganda ako (although I think may ganda naman akong taglay at marami namang nahihibang daw sa akin, pero ayoko lang naman maging feeling din di ba?).

Teka, na-distract ako sa ganda. Balik tayo sa topic...

Kahit hindi ako artistahin at hindi ako perpekto, I still stand by my mantra -- I don't want to settle for anything less.

Actually, ayokong mag-settle. Period.

Baket? Hindi ba masamang gustuhin ko yung talagang nararapat para sa akin? Yung sinasabing tama ng utak ko at gusto ko rin naman? Wala na bang ganon ngayon? Bawal na ba ang mataas ang standards?

Hindi ko rin naman pwedeng sabihing choosy ako. Mukhang yun nga ang naging problema ko dati. Hindi ako naging mapili. Hindi ko pinili yung babagay talaga sa akin. Dati kasi, basta alam kong mahal ko at mahal din ako, ok na. Naniwala kasi ako sa mga cliches. Love conquers all. Love is the answer. Love is love. Langya naman! Love is blind din pala. Akala ko naman pang-slumbook lang yun.

Uy, hindi naman ako lubusang nagpakatanga. Hindi naman puro puso lang pinairal ko. May utak din naman akong ginamit. Sa totoo lang, ok naman yung mga exes ko. In fairness to them, matitino naman. May hitsura naman lahat. May pinag-aralan. Inalagaan naman ako. Sineryoso at minahal. Not to mention, iniyakan pa (Bawal mag-react! Iniyakan ko rin naman kaya quits lang). At in fairness to me, sineryoso ko ang bawat relasyon na pinasok ko. Pinaghirapan ko lahat. Yun lang, mega pahirap din nung kelangan nang tapusin. Ano pa bang magagawa ko kung sa tingin ko nagawa ko na ang lahat? E sa ganon talaga e. Hindi lang talaga umayon ang mga pagkakataon. Bawat isa, may sablay talagang nangyari. Simple lang naman. Hindi lang talaga swak. Hindi lang talaga kami.

Sabi nila masyado raw akong matagal na na naghihintay. Naghihintay saan? Sa isang perpektong nilalang? Wala naman non! Lahat ng tao may sayad. Lahat may 'catch'. Pero yun lang, kelangan lang mahanap mo yung dapat na swak sa sayad mo. Yung maatim mo na makita ang totoong pagkatao. Yung ok pa rin sayo kapag bagong gising sa umaga, walang ligo at hindi pa nagtu-toothbrush. Yung kaya mo pa ring tiisin kapag ang labo na kausap at inaaway ka na parang wala namang sense. Yung nakakatuwa pa rin kahit na nakakalat na ang mga marumi niyang damit sa kwarto. Yung sa tingin mo, gusto mo pa ring kasama kapag kulang na budget niyo at parang ang tagal pa ng susunod na sweldo. Yung nakikita mong masungit at may sumpong pero kaya mo pa ring sakyan at naiintindihan mo pa rin.

Ganyan. Ganyan ang level ng sayad na hinihintay ko.

Speaking of sayad, ang dami ko niyan! Ang kulit ko kaya. Sobrang hyper kaya ako. Ayaw ko kaya madalas magpatalo. Minsan sobrang manhid pa at dense. May times sobra pa mag-isip. Gumagawa kaya ako ng mga problema sa utak ko kapag alam kong parang perpekto na ang 'moment'. At higit sa lahat, takot ako. Madalas risk averse. Pero minsan naman sugud nang sugod. Pramis. Ang labo ko kaya!

Teka, lost na kayo. So what's the point?

Ayoko na magkamali uli. I want it right this time. I want the right person at the right time because I believe I've done my part to be worthy of that person. Hindi naman sa ambisyosa ako at gusto ko makuha ang the most sought after bachelor in the whole of the universe (Pero pramis. Hindi ko hihindian si Dennis Trillo!). All I know is, I am trying to be the best person I can be. Kasi naman! How can you expect the right one to come along when you're not even preparing to be the right one for him? You can't give what you don't have. Kaya heto. I'm trying to be the right person. Seryosong effort 'to tsong!

Teka lang. Ulitin ko. Hindi nga ako perfect. May mga baggages ako. At ito ay mga uber sa naglalakihang baggages from past relationships. Pero hindi naman ako nasisiraan ng bait para ibigay sa mamahalin ko ang mga gigantic baggages ko. Akin yun. Lahat yun. At ok na. Natuto na ako. Syempre may mga kulang pa rin sa akin (aside from boobs), pero hindi ko iisiping kailangan niyang punuan ang mga pagkukulang na yun. Malinaw naman sa akin na ako lang ang makakapagdala sa baggages ko at ako lang ang makakapagbuo sa sarili ko. Pero kaya ko na sabihin na - I think keri na. Para na akong Centrum. Complete na ako! (Ay, ang baduy!) Seriously, I think I can share my 'completeness'. I'm ready for that someone out there who's as complete and as ready as I am.

O di ba? Ang taray! Pang-beauty queen ang mga sagot ka-level ng world peace! *wave*

Simple lang naman. Ayoko na makipagbolahan. Alam ko na kung anong gusto ko. Ayoko na magpaiyak dahil ayoko na ring umiyak. Ayoko na may mag-isip na nagkamali siya sa pagpili sa akin dahil ayoko na ring magkamali. Kaya heto na. I'm taking the risk.

Kaya goodluck. Goodluck talaga sa akin...

Karma

2007-01-29T09:44:00.000+08:00

Pffft. Nabali retainers ko. O, wag mo na itanong kung pano dahil ito na. Sasabihin ko na - naupuan ko. Ang ganda ko di ba (totoo naman talaga 'to. Maganda naman talaga ako, at least sabi ng nanay ko)?

Teka, na-distract ako sa ganda.

Ok, going back. Ang baling retainers ay plain and simple karma sa mga pinaggagawa ko nung weekend. But being the 'always see the sunny side of life' that I am, heto at masaya pa rin ako. Nagpapasalamat pa rin dahil at least sa retainers ko napunta. Hindi sa iba.

That is assuming na ito na yung karma ko. Ayan na naman kasi ako. Assuming na naman. Kaya ako napapahamak dahil sa lintik na assumptions na to e. Extremes kasi ako. Either assuming o sobrang manhid at dense. Either way, wala akong napapala kundi sakit ng ulo. Haaay...sana lang ito na talaga yun. Sa mga 'kasalanan' ko nung weekend, pasalamat na lang ako baling retainers lang ang inabot ko. Salamat Lord. Mabait Ka pa rin sa akin.

Ok. Ito na talaga. Try ko na maging mabait. Ulit. Pramis.

I Skipped December

2007-01-28T07:18:00.000+08:00

Bakit wala akong post ng December? To think ang damiiiiiiing nangyari nung December. Para syang anim na buwan worth of aktibidades (Ok, eksaharada naman. Siguro mga 2 months lang) na pinagkasya sa isang buwan. Teka, isa-isahin ko. Hindi na ata 'to in chronological order. Pasensya na lang. Ang order ay kung anong unang pumasok sa utak ko.

1. First time kong nakita na natakpan ng snow ang backyard (at frontyard) ng York Plaza apartments (FYI York Plaza ang tawag sa tinitirhan ko)

2. Konek sa #1 - Nangyari 'to mga ilang oras bago ako pumuntang airport para umuwi ng Pinas.

3. Konek sa #2 - Nasa Pinas ako from Dec. 23-Jan.10

4. Konek sa #3 - Ang saya! Super! Mega! Uber! Umaapaw!

5. Konek sa #4 - Back to family, barkads, gimiks, dates, Pinoy pagkain, videoke, officemates, malls at traffic.

6. Konek sa #4 na naman- Hair color retouch (and I love it. Fabulous to the next level!)

7. Konek sa #6 - Bayad sa driver almost araw-araw except for the times na pinag-drive ako ni Jane at ni Micmic.

8. Konek sa #5 pa rin - Shopping for Ma. A little shopping for me. A lot for friends. Result? See No.28

9. Konek sa #4 - Pumasok sa office kahit super mega sloooow ang connection. Pero ito ang kicker! Na-enjoy ko sya. Pramis. Nakaka-miss pala ang GT.

10. Konek sa #5 - Lunch with Evaughls at Antonio's Tagaytay. Hay naku! Super relaxing. As in. Babalik ako ron...balang araw.

11. Konek sa #5 - Visited Winsley's new house. Awwww...that's it! May Evaughl headquarters na sa Cavite.

12 Konek sa #4 agen - Samurai Takoyaki balls at SM Megamall

13. MMFF. Zsazsa Zaturrnah at KKK. That’s it. Pinatos ko talaga ‘to! As in jologs in the house!!! :)

14. Konek sa #5 - Lunch-outs, dine-outs, coffee hanggang dis-oras ng gabi na wala sa Edina.

15. Stalker. Online stalker. The reason why I changed my profile to restricted both in Friendster and Blogger. But I thought better of it. Kapagod mag-invite ng friends sa blogger para lang mabasa nila. Hay naku! Dedma na. Kaya eto, open to the world na ulit ang blog ko (as if the world cares, care bears!).

16. Nagbalik-loob sa gym. Ikaw ba naman tumuntong ng 110 lbs nang hindi mo namamalayan, hindi ka ba naman kabugin at magbalik-loob agad?! As in AGAD! So 3 wks of 45min-cardio before Dec. 23 at naging 105 na ako ulit. It didn’t matter to me anymore that I gained all that weight again after I left home. Pero ngayon, 105 na ulit. Minsan talaga mabait si God. Gotta love genetics! Swerte lang ako madali ako mag-lose ng weight at kahit construction worker (read: marami kung kumain ng kanin?) ako, XS at 0 pa rin ang size ko.

17. Konek sa #4 pa rin - tour of Mall of Asia courtesy of Micmic. Maganda naman pala. May laban sa Mall of A (America).

19. Tagalog Masses. Pramis. Kahit ito na-miss ko.

20. Konek sa #19. Mass at Manaoag kahit mainit, malayo at nakakapagod. Nakatulog naman ako sa oto kaya pwede na.

21. Annual Medical Exam. Enuf said.

22. Hula session with Arlene and Vane na super powerful. Well, mas powerful kung magkatotoo...(crossed fingers and toes)

23. Visited Nokie's new house. Anlayo a, pero kinarir ko kasi super friend ko si Nokie.

24. Evaughls met Margaret! :)

25. Early morning breakfast and coffee at Starbucks Tomas Morato the day before I left. Eksaharada ka Joey! Gisingin talaga ako ng 7am!

26. Late night coffee at Starbucks Tomas Morato the night before I left with Jane and Owen. Haaaay...mami-miss ko 'to!

27. Sinundo ako ni Micmic sa airport ng Dec.24 (past 12 na kasi non so Dec. 24 na. Hehehe) at hinatid din nya ako ng Jan. 10 ng 4am. Bait-bait! :)

28. Konek sa #5 - Naubos ang pera pero masaya

29. Pasko at New Year sa Pinas na walang kakupas-kupas. Hello? Kaya nga ako umuwi di ba?

30. MTM. As in Many To Mention. Yes, parang slumbook. Marami pang ibang bagay na naganap nung Disyembre na nagbibigay ng ngiti sa aking mga labi. Echos! :p

In summary, parang Amazing Race ang buhay ko from Dec23-Jan10. Lahat scripted. Lahat kalkulado. Tipong kelangan at this time of the day, nandito na ako at this place to meet this set of people. Uber! Naka-schedule ang bawat galaw, bawat eyelash curl at bawat pagpahid ng lip gloss. Pati time na pwede ako tamarin at magkulong sa kwarto para manood ng HBO, naka-schedule. Eksaheradaaaa!!! Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko. Mas masaya 'to sa Amazing Race. Wala nga lang prize money sa dulo, pero kiber! Masaya naman ako. Nagawa ko lahat ng kelangan ko gawin. As in. Major bleeding ang checklist ko with red marks! Kung pwede ko lang ulitin ang nakakabaliw na Disyembre, uulitin ko. Pramis. Well, ok. Except for the 'ubos pera' part.

Can't wait for August. Malapit na ulit yun. I'll be back Pinas! With more stories to tell. With the same level of fabulousness (or even more). With happier stance in life and with the same 2 big luggages. Yay! :) December reminded me how I'm very much blessed. Thank you God talaga. Super luvs it! :)

New Year, New Song

2007-01-24T13:05:00.000+08:00

Stay

by Wideawake

Which face do you see
and which one is me
I'm not sure if I know

I've been hiding my tears
Hiding for years
It's time I let go

I wanna be free
and I want you to see
I want you to know...the real me

If I told you my secrets
will you let me stay,
will you run away

If I showed you my weakness
will you let me stay,
will you run away ... I wanna know

What if I change
and what if I'm strange
Will you still care

and if I'm a hero
when I'm a zero
Will you be there ... for me then?

I wanna be free
and I want you to see
I want you to know...the real me

If I told you my secrets
will you let me stay,
will you run away

If I showed you my weakness
will you let me stay,
will you run away ... oh oh

Well I've never felt so alone
and all I've wanted is to be known
I'm not going to die this way
No No

If I told you my secrets
will you let me stay,
will you run away ... from me

If I showed you my weakness
will you let me stay,
will you run away ...

Don't run away (don't run away) No
Please don't run away
Don't run away - no, no, no
Don't run away
Don't run away

Won't you stay
Won't you stay

Yes. New year, new life, new perspective, new chances coming my way. And the best part is I finally found your song...

Gusto Ko Nang Umuwi.

2006-11-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

AS IN. Excited na ako umuwi. Ngayon lang nag-dawn sa akin na gusto ko pala umuwi. E dati kasi, dedma lang. Lahat na ng OFW kong kasama rito, nagbibilang na sa kalendaryo, habang ako, walang pakialam sa mundo at masayang nanonood ng Scrubs at House DVDs. Hindi naman sa hindi ako naho-homesick…hindi lang talaga ako naho-homesick. E sa ganon lang talaga. ‘More of live the moment’ na kasi akong tao. Na-outgrow ko na siguro yung mareklamo ako kung -- Ba’t malamig? Ba’t walang sisig? Ba’t kelangan ko maging katulong? Ba’t hindi pwedeng pagdating ko na lang sa bahay, may pagkain na? Ba’t kelangan ko mag-drive? Ba’t ganon? Ba’t ganto?

Wala na. Tapos na ako sa phase na yan. Kung anong meron ako ngayon, pinagpapasalamat ko na lang. Tulad nito -- Salamat sa snow kahit ang sakit sa ilong ng hanging malamig. Salamat sa mga imbento kong niluluto kapag nagsasawa na ako sa nilaga at sinigang. Salamat sa internet dahil nakakausap ko ang mga tao sa Pinas. Salamat sa mga kasama ko rito na puro may katok sa utak. Salamat sa pagiging katulong dahil independent na ako. Salamat sa trabahong stressful pero fulfilling kapag nakakapagmando ng onak (Oh, Yes! Nakagoyo na naman!).

Salamat Lord.

So far, effective naman ang ‘Live in the Now’ therapy ko. Happy naman ako. Contented. Iniisip ko na lang, ba’t ko naman kasi hahanapin yung wala ako? E sa wala nga e. Ba’t d ko na lang i-appreciate ang kung anumang meron ako ngayon at kung anumang binibigay sa akin? Sa rami ng blessings na lumalapag sa 10 meter-radius ko, ba’t pa ako maghahanap? Ayoko na mabatukan ni God at sabihin Niya na reklamador pa ako. Sayang e. Baka bawiin.

So going back… Gusto ko na rin palang umuwi. Para na akong sinisilihan sa pwet sa excitement. Siguro dahil Pasko. Siguro dahil makikita ko na ang mga ka-berks ko na hinihintay na ako. Siguro dahil makakasalita na ako ng Tagalog 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week for 2 weeks (assuming na hindi ako matutulog for 2 weeks. Hmmm…posible!). Siguro dahil matitikman ko na naman luto ng nanay ko. Siguro dahil miss ko na ang kama ko at ang aking TV na may HBO (oo, wala akong HBO sa apartment…olats!). Siguro dahil makakarampa na naman ako sa office. Siguro dahil makikita ko na naman ang mga bading at makaka-praktis na ako full force ng gay lingo. Siguro dahil makakapanood na naman ako ng Channel 7 at makikita ko na naman si Dennis Trillo. Siguro dahil mauusukan na naman ako pag nag-commute ako. Siguro dahil makikipagsikuhan na naman ako sa MRT sa umaga.

At siguro dahil makikita na kita at magkaka-chance na akong lubusang makilala ka???

Haaay…gusto ko na ngang umuwi.

Just Like Heaven

2006-11-26T04:19:00.000+08:00

"Just Like Heaven"

Katie Melua

Show me how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream he said

The one that makes me laugh he said

And threw his arms around my neck

Show me how you do it

And I promise you

I promise that

I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge

I kissed his face and kissed his head

And dreamed of all the different ways

I had to make him glow

Why are you so far away? he said

Why won't you ever know that

I'm in love with you

That I'm in love with you

You, soft and only

You,lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape

I must have been asleep for days

And moving lips to breathe his name

I opened up my eyes

And found myself alone alone

Alone above a raging sea

That stole the only boy I loved

And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven

Umaga, tanghali, gabi. Office, gym, kotse. Haaay...Gasgas itong song na 'to sa akin. Pramis.

Senti Scrubs

2006-11-25T09:39:00.000+08:00

I was watching Scrubs last night (Season 3) when my favorite insane character Eliot delivered a line that stuck to my head. I just had to turn on the subtitle, rewind the scene and pause to read the lines.

"I was planning on coming and telling you that you'll always come first, but the truth is that's not a promise that I can keep. But I can guarantee you that when it's my decision, I'll always choose you. But if that's not enough, I understand."

I've Got No Song

2006-11-16T13:32:00.000+08:00

A friend once told me my life has a soundtrack. And yes, I think I do have that knack of having a song seemlessly automatically playing in my head during those unbelievably crisp 'moments' in my life. I pride myself with that ability to attach a specific frame in my life to a song that perfectly describes it. It's just simple for me to stumble upon a rare tune that may not always be popular but intricately says everything about the feel, the mood, the smell (if it applies), the taste (like if it happens to be bittersweet or just plain bitter) and the imagery of that event. I was so good at it that I have lost count of the stacks of CDs that remind me of those moments and those people and even those animals (pet and people alike).

I always believe I would never fail at this simple talent of mine... Well, that is until you happened. Darn. Somehow, I can't find a song that describes the phenomenon of you. And considering how sickly I can be of a control freak at times, this thing (whatever this is) is definitely driving me nuts.

For the first time, I'm stumped. And as long as I can remember I don't get stumped. No way. No person and no event has ever done this to me. I've looked at my backup CDs, tried to listen to songs on the radio and even forced myself to recall songs that could possibly fit you. But so far, no song. I don't know if this is a sign of something I should think about. But then that would contradict my stand on not believing in signs. Well, at least not the '12 red roses', 'If he's wearing a blue shirt' kind. It's just not like me to believe in that. But no song for a person for the first time in my life??? Wutthe!

If you don't get this whole ranting session, it's alright. I don't get it either. It's official. I'm crazy. I've gone crazy over a song that I can't find. And somehow I'd want to believe that this is really just about a stupid song that I will eventually get my hands (and ears) on. Yes. REALLY. This just has to be because of the absence of a song. And you can't win this. I know I'm gonna find it.

Yes. Me. Crazy. In denial. Control freak. I bet there's not even a song for that.

Sana

2006-11-01T15:37:00.000+08:00

Sana hindi na lang ako natuwa.

Sana hindi ko kinailangang kalimutan ka bago kita lubusang makilala.

Sana hindi pa ako pagod sa buhay at kaya ko pang makipagbolohan.

Sana hindi ko kelangang isipin na wala ka na sa radar ng posibilidad ko.

Sana bata pa ako para may excuse pa ako para maging tanga at magkamali.

Sana may iba akong choice other than mainis, malungkot o maging manhid.

Sana makatulog ako at sa paggising ko, malaman ko na panaginip lang pala ang lahat.

Sana pwede akong mag-fast forward.

Sana may crystal ball ako para alam ko na kung anong mangyayari.

Sana hindi na naman ito isang makulit na joke ni God dahil pramis, hindi na yata ako natatawa.

Sana lang babaan ni God ang expectations Niya sa akin dahil parang hindi na yata kinakaya ng powers ko ang mga challenges.

Sana puwede kong sabihin na 'It's ok. It's alright. Expected ko naman!' nang hindi ako maiinis pagkatapos.

Sana matapos na 'to.

Sana puwedeng hindi ako magkunwari na ok lang ako dahil hindi yata talaga ok 'to.

Sana kahit minsan, may karapatan akong maging mahina at magngangawa dahil minsan naman talaga, nakakapanghina at nakakaiyak ang buhay.

Sana bukas kapag binasa ko ulit 'to, matatawa na lang ako.

Sana hindi ko kinailangang isulat ang blog na 'to.

Late

2006-10-31T11:08:00.000+08:00

Ever felt like you came in too late in the game? That if you were just a month, a week, a day or a minute earlier, life would've been served to you on a silver platter?

Ever felt like you're option number 2? That you'll finally have your turn since you're the one next in line?

Ever felt like you would've that chance at perfection if only that perfect-for-you someone would take that risk with you?

Ever experienced all these happen to you three times in a row in a span of 3months?

These days, I've been feeling like I came in too late in the scene. It's not the best feeling in the world to be in a whirl of what ifs and if onlys but it's fun. Weird but fun.

They say in life, timing is everything. But I'm stubborn enough to believe there isn't a deadline that you have to beat. You can go at your own pace, take your time to get over challenges and hurdles. It's your life anyway. You own it. You learn as much as you can. So you live every breath. Try to not make the same mistake again. And yes, for me, I have to try to be on time.

Or maybe I'm not really that late. It could be that it's just me being too early in making my own conclusions. Life can change by the minute. I may have missed some chances but I know I'll be lucky and there will be that next chance that'll come along. And I know this time I'll be right on time. And it'll be just perfect.

And maybe, just maybe, it won't hurt to ask that you try to be there to take that chance with me. If and when that time comes, I'll take the risk. Who knows? It could be for real.

Life is all about timing. I'll just have to learn to wait.

Perfetch!

2006-10-24T07:55:00.000+08:00

Have you woken up to a morning and just knew that everything is gonna be just great? I just had that episode this morning and guess what? The day indeed turned out to be great! :)

It's amazing how sometimes you just feel like you've won big for no reason at all. No, this isn't too much chocolate. It's not tons of sleep either since I haven't had more than 6 hours last night. It's not like I got a present or anything that resembles to a nice surprise. Nothing special or out of the ordinary actually. It's still the usual day to day routine I've been having for the past two months now. I honestly can't point my finger at it.

Or maybe, just maybe this is how contented feels like. And I believe I am. And I think I might have to get used to this.

It's just perfect. I'm loving it! :)

Simple Saturday

2006-10-22T11:38:00.000+08:00

It's turning out to be a friends and family weekend.

FRIEND.

It’s 10pm and I just uploaded a whole bunch of pictures from my last week’s birthday bash. I am at Nette’s downtown apartment. And being in the posh downtown area, I am loving the lights as seen from the window. For once, I’m not missing the charm of my suburban crib.

It was just last week when I picked her up at the airport. Now, she’s asleep on the couch, tired from rigorous badminton playing and adjusting to the time zone. If and when she decides to wake up tonight, we’ll get carcinogens by eating canned corned beef, tuna and instant noodles and watch Season1 Scrubs which I borrowed. The aim is get tired from laughing until we fall asleep.

FAMILY.

While I'm waiting for my sister to finish her chicken wings dinner cooked by her hubbie so we can have an hour or two of chatting over shallow things and any what-have-you’s that nobody else will understand but just us, I’m wondering how many minutes more to count before I have to wash off the spa treatment I have on my hair now.

BESTFRIENDS AND FAMILY.

My bestfriend just went offline. She just downloaded my pictures so she could show it to my mom later. She’ll be visiting with my other now-doctor bestfriend who just had his birthday yesterday. Mom prepared lunch as always and crepe for dessert. Lucky them!

The day is turning out to be just how I felt it would be when I woke up this morning. Simple and filled with catching-up and hair spa treatment on the side. It’s freezing outside but I don’t mind the cold. Family and friends are close by and I don’t feel like I’m an ocean away.

I can't ask for anything else...just more days like these.

Ganon Nga

2006-10-19T07:33:00.000+08:00

Wala na. Ganun-ganon lang at nawalan na ako ng interes. Hindi na ako naghihintay. Hindi na ako nag-iisip. Nagising lang ako kanina at napatanong ng 'Yun na 'yon? Wala na? That's it? Seryoso?Wala na ba talaga?'

E sa ganon e. Mukhang hanggang dun lang yata talaga ako. Yun na nga yun.

Next!

LSS of the Week

2006-10-18T07:32:00.000+08:00

Eve, The Apple Of My Eye

by Bell X1

You left it, I sent it
I want it back

You left it, I sent it

I want it back

If I had you here, I'd clip your wings

Snap you up and leave you sprawling on my pin

This plan of mine is oh so very lame

Can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

You left, I died,

I went and you cried

You came, I think

But I never really know

I've served my time

I've watched you climb

The wrong incline

But what do I know

Accept it, Don't let it

Turn the screw

Accept it, And let it

Scream back at you

Now this applies both equally to you and I

The only thing we share

Is the same sky

These empty metaphors

They're all in vain

Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains

In the garden Snake was a charmin'

And Eve said let's give it a try

Now lead us not into temptation

But no matter how hard I try

When in the garden and Snake is a charmin'

And Eve says let's give it a try

Eve is the apple of my eye

And I lie behind you

And cradle you in the palm of me

And I pat your hair down

I think will we sink or swim?

'Cause we could do either on a whim

Pwede

2006-10-17T08:18:00.000+08:00

Heto na naman ako. Nag-iisip. Natutulala. Gumuguhit ng kung anuman sa hangin. Nagtatrabaho nga pero panay ang tingin sa telepono na abot kamay lang. Ito na nga. Para na naman akong ilusyonada. Nagbabakasakali na tutunog ang fone at baka naman hindi ang telemarketer na malapit ko na isumpa ang tatawag. Ewan. Naisip ko lang. Baka lang naman ikaw ang tumawag. Isang malaking baka.

Hindi naman siguro masama na sa pagkakataong ito, maari kong isipin na pwede. Sige. Iisipin ko na nga. Pwede ka. Papasa. Kasi naman sa totoo lang, pwede naman talaga ako. Kung matutunan ko lang alisin 'tong pagkamanhid ko, pwede talaga. Sinasabi ko lang na hindi dahil matigas lang ulo ko at makulit ako. Siguro nga dapat tigilan ko na ang walang paroroonan kong pag-iisip ng 'Wala lang yun!'dahil sa pagkakataong ito, baka meron. Mukhang meron.

Heto na naman ako. Nagtatanong. Baka nga? Pwde nga kaya? Siguro nga. Sana nga.

27

2006-10-15T06:46:00.000+08:00

27. It's somewhere between the dreaded quarter life crisis and the you-thought-you-know-for-sure-who-you-are-30's. A lot of questions have been answered but then there are some thoughts left hanging in the air and there are what if's to be fulfilled.

27. I call it my limbo stage. I'm no longer in my mid-20's but then it's not yet really late 20's. It's that stage where it begins to be less confusing yet on some points you might still feel a bit unsure.

27. I feel like there's definitely more direction to where I'm treading yet I know I'm not expected to have achieved perfection and not make mistakes.

27. Confusing but weirdly pleasant as it can be, it just generally feels fine. It feels safe. I think I've just crossed that line to reach that place where to get more answers.

I woke up and realized I've landed. And as far as I know, I think I've never felt better...

Let It Snow

2006-10-12T05:15:00.000+08:00

It is the first time this year that snow is falling on Minneapolis. From my cube at the 6th floor, it is just an awesome thing to see. For lack of a better word, I'd say it's just beautiful. This isn't the first time I saw snow but for me, it hasn't lost its magic.

It's as if the one time nature thought about something amazing and wonderful, she said 'I can create the perfect phenomenon that will make you stand in awe. And you can call it whatever you like.'

And we called it snow.

Glad To Be YOUR Joke

2006-10-10T10:16:00.000+08:00

Isang malaking joke na naman ako kay God.

Patulog na ako nang bigla kong na-realize na nawawala si Hyacinth Margaux. No. Hindi ko sya anak sa pagkadalaga. Lalong hindi sya isa sa mga batang iniwan sa daycare center at laong hindi ako nagtatrabaho sa daycare center. Si Hyacinth Margaux ang celfone ko. Actually, hindi lang sya celfone. PDA at mp3 player ko rin sya pero mainly tambakan ng files at pictures kaya importante sya sa akin. Sa sobrang pagka-importante niya sa akin, kinailangan ko syang pangalanang Hyacinth Margaux. Baket sa dinami-dami ng pangalan, Hyacinth Margaux pa? E sa gusto ko. Weno ngayon?

Going back to my story, nawawala nga si HM. Nawindang ako. Gabi na. 9pm. Kung anu-ano na tumakbo sa utak ko. Naiwan ko kaya sa oficina? Naiwan ko kaya sa kotse? Baka nahulog sa bag ko nung papunta akong kotse. Sang floor kaya nahulog? May nakapulot kaya? Shet. Pano na pictures ko??? *Hinga...hinga...* Nasa kotse yan. Nasa kotse. Sige lang. Sabihin ko lang nang paulit-ulit. Baka sa sobrang pag-iisip, magkatotoo.

Dali-dali akong nagbihis. Jeans, sweater, keys. BestBuy Badge ID -- Baka sakaling malas at wala sa kotse at kelangan ko nga pumunta ng office. Kesehodang mag-drive ako ng gabi kesa hindi ako makatulog sa kakaisip. Mas importante sa akin na maganda bukas at walang eyebags kesa hintayin ang bukas.

Papunta na ako sa garage at habang naglalakad, nagdasal ako. God, sana nasa kotse. Please lang...sana nasa kotse. Kahit ito na birthday gift Mo sa akin. Mahal ko yung phone na yun. At mahal din sya. Please, sana makita ko sa kotse. Kahit yun na lang talaga gift Mo sa akin. Di na ako hihiling. Pramis.

Bago ko pa man naisip ang halaga ng last 3 sentences na sinabi ko, nasa harap na ako ng kotse. Madilim. Nakow! Mahirap 'to. Black pa naman casing ng fone ko at black din ang carpet ng kotse. Bukas na ang door sa likod. Kapa...kapa... Ewwwwww! Matagal ko na palang hindi napapagpag 'tong carpet. Pero naman! As if may choice ako. Kapa...kapa...kapa pa... Teka. May black na kung anuman. Mukhang casing...maliit. Si HM? Shet! That's it! Ang fone ko!!!

At parang may narinig akong tumatawa sa Taas na naisahan ako.

Doink! Bigla kong na-realize ang katangahan ko. That's it. Wala na. Kelangan ko nang namnamin 'to. This is the moment. Ito na yung gift ni God para sa birthday ko. Langya, naisahan nga ako. Me and my big mouth. Napatingin na lang ako sa hinahawakan kong fone. Hay naku, kasalanan mo 'to Hyacinth! Hindi ko tuloy siya maihihiling kay God as my birthday gift.

Pero God, alam Mo, salamat. Grabe. Mahal Mo talaga ako. In furnez, ang bilis ng turnaround ng hiling ko. Kahit pa alam Mong nagsisisi ako ng bahagya dahil hindi na ako makakahiling ng iba, aminin Mo namang natuwa Ka na rin dahil kahit papano, napasaya Kita sa katangahan ko. Fine. Ano pa nga ba? I'm just glad to be Your joke for the day.

Ito na. Totoo na 'to. Walang halong sarcasm at hindi nababalot ng pag-iimbot. Salamat God!

Pero wait lang...baka naman pwede pa rin akong humirit? You know. Sumkinda sign. Pero wag naman yung sobrang nakakaloka na tipong burning bush. What if lang God? Please???

Fall

2006-10-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

I just got my camera fixed and the first thing I did was take a picture of the view from my room. Since the start of fall, I'd start my day with guessing how cold it is outside by opening my window. I get all fidgety with the anticipation of how surprisingly cold the breeze will be. I'd test myself with how much cold breeze I could take by leaving the window open. And then I'd decide it has crossed the line between good-cold and bad-shivering cold. So far, MN has been good to me. I still get lucky having good cold air lingering in my room. With hues of orange, yellow and brown all around, I'm loving each moment of the fall season. The colors are just amazingly warm yet crisp.

Weather forecast said it's going to snow on Wednesday but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I just can't let go of Fall...at least not yet. I guess until the first snowflake greets my windowpane, I'll keep on opening my window each morning and guessing how cold it is outside.

My Birthday Invite

2006-10-07T04:57:00.000+08:00

I finally decided to celebrate my birthday even if I'm here in MN. So ayan, pinadalhan ko ang lahat ng mga kakosa ko rito ng email para i-invite sila. Gusto ko lang i-post. For remembrance. Minsan lang naman ako magtu-21... :)

Whoaaaaaat? Dinner, Inuman, Party!

Weno ngayon? Friday the 13th, 21st birthday ko (walang kokontra!). 7pm onwards.

Wer art thoU? : 7260 York Avenue South Apt#306 Edina, MN 55435

Attire: Para maganda sa picture, may isa lang akong request – magdamit at mag-ayos na parang gigimik tayo! So bawal shorts, sando,
tsinelas, white shirt, gym attire at pantulog. Lalong bawal ang walang suot. (Yes! Eldrige, Von and Lester. Nabasa ko na utak nyong berde!)

MUST: Bring camera, sense of humor, own repertoire for videoke, and high tolerance in alcohol

Ang hindi pupunta, mamalasin sa Friday the 13th . And I mean major malas. May pagbabanta ito!

Cya! Don’t wana b ya! :)

~Consi

I am...

2006-10-04T11:49:00.000+08:00

jolog. Oo, inaamin ko na. Ako ay isang certified jolog fan. And for this, I am pausing for a moment of silence...
...
...
...

Ito ay para sa pagdadalamhati dahil tapos na ang Majika at hindi ko napanood ang last scene kung nasan si Dennis Trillo.

Sige lang! Tawa ka jan! Pakiusap, huwag ka namang maging harsh. I have feelings too, you know. Minsan lang 'tong malalim na kababawan ko kaya't pabayaan mo kong mag-emote. Alalahanin mo, blog ko to at nakikibasa ka lang! I am just honoring my feelings. Maki-honor ka na lang. Pleeeeassse??? :)

*Sigh*

Ba't ganon? Ba't walang GMA7 dito? Baket??? Again...BAKET??? Wala namang silbi para sa akin kahit ni-replay pa nila nung Sabado, Linggo at Lunes. Kainelz!!! Kelangan siguro lumiham sa GMA7 (o lakarin ko na lang kaya at ihulog ang liham sa drop box) para mahabag ang kanilang puso (they're not Kapuso for nothing) at maglabas sila ng DVD o kaya mag-re-run sila sa Disyembre.

Wut if?

Haaaaay...Yun lang. Pasensya na. Walang literary value ang blog entry kong ito. Gusto ko lang maglabas ng aking melancholy. Nalulungkot lang talaga ako. Kelangan ko lang manahimik panandalian at magbigay-pugay.

*Pugay*

That's it. You really can't have it all.

Decided

2006-10-02T03:07:00.000+08:00

There it was. The end of what could've been. I found myself in a familiar place with a quite nondescript turmoil of emotions.

Relieved. Glad. Contented. Grateful for this certainty. Pleased with myself because I know we are going to be friends until God knows when. Feeling lucky because now I understand that you are meant to be part of my now and tomorrow and here.

In a few minutes, the plane will be leaving. And I'll be left no longer wondering. Because we've said goodnight and meant it - and just meant what it really means.

That Fungus Line

2006-09-29T12:16:00.000+08:00

Isa sa mga slumbook questions ngayon ang 'favorite movie line'. Wait. Bago niyo ako tingnan ng karimarimarim na 'Eewwwww, that's so 1980's!' na tingin, gusto ko lang linawin na wala akong slumbook. Ok? Klaro na ba? Ngayon na medyo hindi na kadiri ang tingin mo sa akin, let's move on...

Merong kung anumang kakaibaing effect ang movie na My BestFriend's Wedding sa akin. In fairness to me, hindi ako napapagod panoorin sya. Fine. It's a chickflick. Pero kung kaya ko siyang panoorin ng paulit-ulit, hanggang sa masuka na lahat ng kasama ko sa bahay, feeling ko kaya mo rin. Maganda naman sya. May oomph. Plus I love the silk lavander dress on Julia.

No, he's nothing like me. He's like you, actually, only straight.

Nakaka-relate ako sa character ni Julia Roberts (Julianne Potter). Ang tanong? Paano ako naging ilusyonada? Ito ang mga ebidensya.

1) Bakla ang bestfriend/s ko. (Actually, bakla 80% ng kaibigan ko. And I'm not kidding.)
2) I was kulot once a upon a time.
3) I could be a food critic with how much I eat.
4) I love videoke.
5) I'm not comfortable unless I stand out.

Ok...ok...medyo pilit na ang konek. At aaminin ko, kahit kailan, hindi naman akong na-inlababo sa bestfriend ko. I was never into friends-becoming-lovers kinda thing. Sa akin, kapag barkada, hindi dapat tinatalo. Kung binabato kita ng throwpillow at binabatukan kita kapag nag-aasaran tayo, asahan mo sa susunod, sofa na ang ibabato ko sayo. That's how it works in my world. Kapag platonic from the start, platonic na habang buhay. Pero sabi nga nila sa akin, wag daw akong magsalita ng tapos. You can never tell. Minsan daw sa pagkakaibigan nagsisimula ang lahat. So far, sa akin, doon din nagtatapos.

I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.

Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond

scum.

On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering.

Except it makes me fungus.

Pero yung mahulog ng sobrang hulog na kakayanin mong magpaka- fungus para lang masabi mo na mahal mo ang isang tao -- ito yata ang gusto ko masubukan.

Adik? Masokista? Hopeless romantic? Bahala ka kung anong gusto mong isampang kaso sa akin. Pero sa lahat ng kalokohan sa buhay, isa lang ang pinaniwalaan ko. Kung hindi mo kayang magmahal na parang wala ng bukas, kung hindi mo kayang gawin ang lahat para malaman kung may posibilidad na maging kayo, kung kaya mo matulog na hindi nalalaman kung pano magmahal na sobra pa sa inakala mong kaya mo... Ito lang ang masasabi ko -- Kita mo yung bintana niyo sa opisina sa 10th floor? Bukas na bukas din, pumunta ka ron at tumalon ka. Wag ka na lang mabuhay. Cause you're missing a lot dude!

But hope is not lost. Dahil concerned citizen ako, ito ang gawin mo.

1) Kung mahilig ka manood ng movies: Magkulong ka sa kwarto at manood ka ng love stories hanggang mag-sink-in sayo kung pano talaga magmahal.
2) Kung mahilig ka magbasa: Humiram ng Mills & Boon sa mga nanay at kapatid ng nanay mo.
4) Kung mahilig ka mag-jamming: Makinig ka ng senti music.
5) Kung sinusumpa mo ang love stories at senti songs: Manood ka ng mga documentaries kung bakit nagkaron ng Taj Mahal o kahit anong feature on people sa history, discovery or national geographic channel.

Hindi mo pa ba gets? Kahit saan ka tumingin, iisa lang ang sinasabi ng lahat. Magmahal ka. Ng lubos. Hanggang sa maloka ka. Dahil kung kulang pa ron ang kaya mo, ano pang saysay ng buhay mo?

When you love someone. You say it, you say it out loud. Right now. Or the moment passes you by...

Masaya siguro na maranasan na isigaw mo na minsan, ikaw ay nagpaka-fungus. Pero kung may mabulag man ako na magpapaka-fungus para sa akin, malamang hindi rin naman ako magrereklamo.

Teka lang, ang tagal nang naka-pause nito at kukunat na ang fish crackers ko. Uhhmmm....Fish crackers with suka and garlic while watching My BestFriend's Wedding...Perfect!

Abducted

2006-09-26T12:34:00.000+08:00

I was becoming one of those people who still work long after everyone else has gone home and gotten their lives back.

For those who seriously know me, the first sentence would've sent shock waves to your brain just as you're reading this second sentence. You're not alone. I am with you. This is indeed a weird phenomenon. The weirder part is, it didn't scare me one single bit. I wasn't just feeling normal about it. I was feeling great!

Now, just reading these thoughts out loud makes me wonder - Is this really me or was I abducted by aliens who replaced my insides with a workaholic monster?

You could take this as a sign. The planets could've aligned. Probably a comet will hit earth soon. Maybe all those who have been mean, green with envy and promiscuous should repent and make straight the path. Or maybe, just maybe the time has come for me to REALLY work.

I don't know with you but the last option seems quite logical. Not to mention fascinating.

After five years of chatting, sashaying to work thinking that office corridors are modeling ramps instead of just plain corridors, I think I have mastered the craft of projecting that undeniably crisp image that I can deliver quality work on time and under budget.

Right! Hold on! I'm getting my camera. This is a Kodak moment.

It's definitely the turning point of my professional career. It's about time I work.

Ha! Karma would've thought it has kicked me hard by getting me to finally toil in a harsh and hazardous working environment such as the techie world. To be able to do pure, hard core, burning my neurons and eyebrows type of work, just think of what I have to subject myself with. Picture being under the fluorescent white light that can never give you a good angle in pictures. Imagine dry airconditioned rooms which make your skin scream for tube after tube of moisturizer. Lastly, ponder on the need to absorb a necessary amount of caffeine to just fill-out a status report at the end of the day.

Now, if you think the points mentioned are perfectly tolerable, go check on yourself. It's either you're a masochist or you may have to scratch your arm.

That's it. You have dry skin.

So to Karma, I purposely hand my apologies. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I am working and I'm actually enjoying this.

I'm beginning to think there could be truth behind being abducted by aliens. Or it could be just a new amazing miracle moisturizer. Or maybe I'm just kidding.

Goodnight And Go

2006-09-24T14:39:00.000+08:00

It was one of those days with its normal routine and as usual you were there - right in the scene.

It's not perfect but it's ok for now. I want exactly this - my life being low-key and simple. I'm just breathing deeply when needed and taking things in stride --Laugh when it's funny, be serious when it's work, go crazy sentimental when it's family, feel warm and cozy when it's about friends, and be curious when it's you.

After saying goodnight and seeing you go, I was left wondering how the next day will be. I guess, until I find myself not wanting to wonder, my days will have to be like it was today. I'm comforted by the fact that everything is just in their right places and there is no pressure to feel anything. And if you happen to be holding a King of Hearts card, there is really no urgency to put it down on the table. And I mean, REALLY. There's no room now to over-analyze and complicate things.

Tomorrow could be the last goodnight and go, or maybe not. It doesn't really matter. Let this grow if it has to. Let it go when it needs to.

For today, it's goodnight and go...and I'll see you tomorrow.

Allow Me To Be Mushy

2006-09-12T10:57:00.000+08:00

I think I was given a once in a blue moon chance to be mushy and I decided to take this one. I didn't mean to download this but it was in the folder where I got the song I really wanted. I guess nice surprises sometimes come in accidents.

So I'm sharing this to the world (a.k.a. all those blessed with brevity who visit my humble blog abode) and I hope you find it endearing. Cause I just did.

"One And Only" by TEITUR

I've been wishing on a star but I never could have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome travelling
Took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized what I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
Do you want to run away or do you want to stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

I looked out at my window. Yes, the moon is indeed blue. Well, at least for me. And it probably won't hurt to talk to you tomorrow...

Bukas Luluhod Ang Mga Stars

2006-09-11T22:41:00.000+08:00

Excited na ako. I swear. Pwede bang mag-fast forward dahil sobrang atat na akong magbukas? Basta dama ko talaga. Every inch of me is saying this is the start of my singing career. A star will be born tomorrow. Dizzzizit. Bukas luluhod ang mga stars...

It was a definite sign. Right after I told my friend that I wanted to join the group, they announced that they are recruiting new blood - young talented artists ready to sing like it's the last night of the world. Whoaaat? Miss Saigon, statue? Ha! Ito na nga siguro ang break na hinihintay ko.

So anong meron bukas? No. It's not an audition. At least not the type that could land me a record deal.

Masakit mang aminin pero mukhang sa anak ko na lang ipapasa ang pangarap kong maging artista. Tinanggap ko na ang katotohanan. I'm a bit rough around the edges to make it to the American Idol stage. So I might as well make it to the stage where the BIG GUY is.

God, this is it! I'm singing again...for YOU. And I personally think that's even soooo much better! :)

You Had Me At...

2006-09-08T05:34:00.000+08:00

Do you know that certain feeling when you just can’t wipe off that weird smile on your face cause every little thing that a person does just makes you crack up for no apparent logical reason?

Well...you happen to have that effect on me.

I'm mature enough to know that this is nothing but a fleeting thing. You see, I could even try to explain it scientifically. With my hormones going wack over lack of sleep, the change of weather and the stress I'm getting from work, I certainly think this shouldn't be taken seriously. Something as shallow and cute and frisky as this, isn’t going to progress into anything serious. My mind is shouting it out loud -- This just can’t be.

Sometime next week, I know I’d be ‘crushing’ on another cute person within a 2-meter radius. And all these hooplah would go into 'pffft'. But the problem is, I'm not even sure if this thing that I'm attributing to you may even be under the same hemisphere of crushing.

It's unbelievable. You look at me and you smile like I did the weirdest yet cutest thing on earth. I literally have nothing in my defense but a shy smile that I just have to give back to you. I know. Major ick. And even if I don't want to admit it, I die a little bit from your shameless yet very tastefully done flirting. Confirmed. Double major ick. I have barfed each time that weird feeling in my stomach happened. And yes, I perfectly agree with you. This is outrageously pathetic and insane and stupid.

You shouldn't be allowed to do this to me. It’s very dangerous. There is this slightest chance that I could fall. And if you can't assure me that it's not going to be with a bad bouncing thud, then I should do what I do best. Run. Fast. So in the name of self-love and self-protection, I am taking the liberty to say 'Here. Take your flirtations and your melting smile back. I don't want them.'

Our both being single is not enough reason. You see, I have my priorities. I even have my list of non-negotiables. I don't want to play games especially now when things are finally normal and going as planned. I stay firm with my decision that I am not changing my plans for anyone. And I know as long as you're in the realm of 'anyone', I'll be fine.

And I know me. I'm gonna be just fine.

Editor's Karma

2006-09-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

Holiday. Wala akong magawa kaya nagpakalunod ako sa blogspot at sa friendster. Kaya hayun, nagbasa ako ng mga dati kong posts at ng profile ko na isang taon ko na yatang hindi ina-update.

And then, it happened. Nosebleed.

Bigla kong nakita ang mga wrong prepositions kong nagamit sa profile at sa blog entries ko. Ang sakit sa tenga pakinggan. Major eksena!!! Naturingan pa namang isang taon na yun na nakabalandra sa aking page at kung sinu-sino pa naman ang nakakabasa non (O wag na mag-comment. For a moment, I would like to hallucinate na one of the most visited ang profile at blogspot ko...Please, don't ruin this for me. Echos!). And to make it more apocalyptic, pinangalandakan ko pa naman sa profile ko na I love writing. Namfoknat talaga! Gasp. Ano 'to? Tipong I love writing wrong sentences? E ako pa naman, mainit dugo ko sa mga nababasa kong may wrong grammar at yung mga maling subject-verb agreement na sentences na nakaka-nosebleed. Ngunit, datapwat, subalit isa rin pala akong biktima. English 101 victim.

Ito na yata ang karma ko sa mga panlalait ko. Tila nakita ko si Oble na bumaba mula sa kanyang pedestal sabay kinutusan ako..."Huy! UP ka pa man din. Wattisdamaterwichooo?" That's it. Gusto ko na mag-Japan-japan (aka Harakiri). But instead of slashing my abdomen with a perfectly crafted sword, I will punish myself by not having hairspa next weekend. Tama lang ito. Let me have a bad hair week. I deserve it.

On second thought, tao lang naman ako. Nagkakamali. At higit sa lahat, atat mag-click ng Save at Publish Post buttons at hindi nag-e-edit. Ungas talaga! Sabi nga ni Booba -- ganon talaga ang buhay, parang gulong, minsan nasusunog. Pero hindi ako si Booba - dahil wala akong boobs at feeling ko naman hindi pa lahat ng neurons ko ay napapatay nina Corona Extra, Smirnoff, Absolut at ni Red Horse. So I guess, may utak pa ako. Sana...

But just like any other fall, I must get up and rise from the occasion. That's it. From now on, I won't let myself be swept by that rush of clicking that Save or Publish Post button without editing my post -- once, twice, three times (to prove I'm) a lady. I promise. No more nosebleed. And I will be kinder to other writers posting their thoughts in the WWW. Baka nga naman tulad lang nila ako...click lang ng click. Nagmamadali. Hindi nag-iisip.

Lesson learned - Hindi dapat nagtitiwala sa unang click. :)

Anti-Social

2006-09-01T08:44:00.000+08:00

Sakit ko yan. Minsan lang talaga sinusumpong ako ng pagiging anti-social. Tulad ngayon. May libreng bowling social ang oficina. Lahat ng mga kasama ko ritong pinoy pupunta. Ako? Eto, nasa harap ng laptop, with the TV on and the sound of my clothes rotating in the dryer in the background. Aside from the fact na wala ako sa mood mag-ingles ng buong gabi dahil ginagawa ko na yun ng buong araw, sinumpong lang talaga ako ng ultimate katam. At dahil nga uber ang sumpong ko ng pagkatamad, I'm having Cheetos, Krispy Kreme donuts and Diet Mountain Dew for dinner. I'm thinking, if I go on this way for the next two years, I'll die of diabetes or cancer (whichever comes first to attack me) with no friends and a big butt. Just like what you'd want one of your characters to be in a weird award-winning novel. Asteeeg!

Don't get me wrong. I like parties. I don't have demophobia. Demo-phobia. It's a big word that means fear of crowds. Oha! Nag-google-lize pa ako para malaman yan! I actually consider myself as a very social person. Maingay at makulit ako to the point na minsan, kahit ako, naiingayan at nakukulitan na rin sa sarili ko. Pero may mga pagkakataon lang talaga na gusto kong mag-isa, magtago sa lungga, magpaka-couch potato at kumain ng junk food hanggang sa sumakit ulo ko. I find joy in not doing anything - wasting away the whole evening with nothingness.

Anak ng tokwa. May nothingness pa akong nalalaman. Ok to a. Mukhang expert na nga ako rito. I could even make my laziness sound very philosophical. This is just fabulous!

Buzzz!!! That's the dryer saying my clothes are ready for another week of wear and tear. Pero bago ako mag-offline, gagawa muna ako ng poem. Ehemm...

The night is young
and so are we.
And only God
can make a tree.

Ha! Splendeeed! :)

Why Not?

2006-08-31T02:23:00.000+08:00

I was having lunch with a co-worker when suddenly, he asked me 'Don't you miss home?' And without batting an eyelash, I gave him a straight answer -- 'No.'

In furnez, napaisip ako. Ganon? Hindi ba talaga ako naho-homesick? Teka, wait lang. Kelangan ba ako ma-bother? Bato na ba ako? Kelangan ba ako matakot?

So I took a step back (step!) and thought about the past few weeks I've been here and how I've been.

Eto ang aking na-gather na data.

Exhibit A. Aside from the fact that it took me only 3 days to adjust and my first weekend here was allotted to an 8hr-long drive to Chicago, mukha ngang rooted na ako. Well, at least for now. I guess it helps a great deal that this isn't the first time I have to work away from home...and I mean far, far away from home.

Exhibit B. Last weekend, I just went about doing my usual chores - magluto ng 3 putahe para ibaon for the whole week, maglaba, mamamalantsa at i-explore ang mga channels sa TV. As I was listing down my favorite channels, I thought...this isn't so bad. I am actually enjoying this. Weird. Awesome!

Exhibit C. Last Friday, videoke at inuman galore 'til 3am. Nice. Now this really feels like home...

Exhibit D. The occasional beeps from my fone. Messages from mom and my sis. Chat sessions with friends back home. Calls from friends and family here in the US. Friendster messages from Orange County. Conference calls from Manila, US, Prague and Singapore Evaughl Chapters. Actually, riot. Masaya. The world has become so small that I can reach out to people I love in just a matter of seconds. I honestly don't feel out of reach at all! Tama ang Smart. Simply amazing!

So, kelangan ba ako malungkot at ma-homesick? Maybe it's too soon to say. Pero kahit papano napapaisip din ako. Hindi kaya nasanay na ako sa buhay rito sa Amerika? What if I just don't know it but I'm actually already liking it here? Ewan. Isa akong malaking ewan personified. I think I may have come to love what I have now and live in the NOW. Maybe the secret lies in just loving what you have, but never forgetting what you had back then. I still miss what I had back home but for now, this is home. And that's actually a blessing. A great blessing.

Ano bang mood ko ngayon? Excited? Thrilled? Wala lang? All I know for sure is I find comfort in the certainty that I will go back someday. You see, change is always good. And life has been good. And I know it'll just get better.

Heck! I could be having fun and I don't even know it! So here I am, just living the life, standing by my two powerful words as my mantra...

Why not? :)

Natalie Angeline

2006-08-28T12:39:00.000+08:00

It came to me as a shock when she told me the news. It was one of those things you wouldn't believe at first. But there it was. The shock of my year...she got you.

I honestly thought she wasn't ready for this but as the days passed by, I realized I could be wrong. Whenever she told me about you, she always had that very visible twinkle in her eye. And when I say, visible, I meant it in a way that I could see it even while she's in the car, driving at night. She was always talking about you and how she wants to be the best for you and how her life is changing each day. It was amazing just hearing her and watching her glow in excitement. And then I thought, maybe I was wrong. She is ready.

So as any great and caring girlfriend would do, I supported her. I prayed for her happiness. I always reminded her to take care of herself each time I see her tired from fighting. There were pretty steep cliffs and unbelievable hurdles but she held on to what she knows makes her happy. She held on to you.

But there was no preparing for last night. It was just the worst of the worst. Last night, she lost you...

I hated myself for being an ocean away when you left. It just wasn't right. I felt helpless as I was hearing her cry at the other end of the line. And then I heard it from her. It was for real. She lost you. She lost her baby Natalie Angeline...

It is sad Natalie that you never knew how wonderful your mom would've been to you. You never got to know how lucky you could've been. From the time she knew she has you in her until the last heartbeat you had when she gave birth to you, you were loved. Deeply.

But then again, maybe HE told you that already.

Well, I don't know a lot things. I might never understand why it happened. But I know for sure you've become your mom's angel. I know you're guiding her and loving her even from up there.

I wish you'd know that my friend will always love you even if she just held you in her arms for a few minutes. Those five months and precious moments were more than enough for her to know she's been a mother to you.

But then again...maybe I got my wish already.

Two

2006-08-23T23:45:00.000+08:00

Two months ago - my last post.

Two weeks ago, I landed in the Twin Cities.

Two days ago, I missed being with a friend in Chicago.

Two hours to lunch.

Two more days and I'll be partying and sleeping all weekend.

Two more weeks to get my first pay.

Two months to my birthday.

Two months after that, I'll be coming home for Christmas.

Two weeks after that, I'll be back here to freeze in the Twin Cities.

Come to think of it...I might be beginning to love you - TWO. What's not to love? You're a good number. You're never alone. And I'm looking forward to how you will transform my life. We'll be together for a long time and you'll probably love me, TWO as much I'm beginning to love you.

2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 quarters, 2 years...

Two minutes to edit this post.

Two seconds to publish this post.

Two happy thoughts.

G-A-P

2006-06-21T03:58:00.000+08:00

Ganito pala ang feeling ng night shift. Bangag. Bored. Walang makausap kundi mga taong sira ang body clock, nasa US o katulad mo ring night shift.

Namfoknat! Ba’t ba kasi nauso ang on-call 24-hour support? Kelan ba nagsimulang sobrang maging demanding ang mga tao? Pano ba nila nalaman na ikamamatay nila kapag may maling kung anuman ang mangyari sa system at hindi na pwedeng hintayin pa ang bukas?

Kapag namatay ba ako itatanong kaya ng Diyos kung nasagot ko yung issue kung bakit nagka-core dump? Hmmm...Malamang lang hindi.

It’s 350 am and I’ve just eaten my go bigtime quarter pounder with cheese meal. Night shift and 24-hr McDo delivery. Isn’t this a classic?

Sis

2006-06-04T19:29:00.000+08:00

I can believe my sister is getting married in 6 days. Oo tama ang basa niyo. Hindi ito formula ‘I can’t believe…’ chuchubells drama. I CAN BELIEVE talaga.

Ang gulo ngayon sa bahay namin. Ang gulo ng nanay at kapatid ko. Kung kilala niyo ang mag-ina, aayon kayo sa amin ng tatay ko na hindi na nga kami dapat makisali sa gulo. Daig nila ang palengke tuwing Sabado ng umaga. Pero naiintindihan ko naman. Unang kasal ito sa pamilya kaya excited ang lahat. Kaya pagbigyan.

Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang pero ang ate ko na yata ang pinakamagandang nailuwal ng kahit sinuman sa angkan namin. For some queer reason, umayon ang forces of the universe sa genes niya. Matalino si ate. Mabait. Nung mga bata pa kami, masunurin yan (take note: nung mga bata pa kami). Matiisin din. Akala mo hindi mauubos ang pasensya dahil hindi marunong magreklamo. At syempre dahil maganda, habulin ng mga lalake. Awa ng Diyos, most of the time, nagpapahabol naman.

Fast forward. Natupad ang pangarap niyang maging flight attendant. Kaya naman nung unang alis ni ate papuntang Jeddah para magtrabaho sa Saudia Airlines, umapaw ang luha sa Duval Townhomes (a.k.a. bahay namin). Si ate kasi ang bestfriend ko - hindi dahil wala akong choice dahil 2 lang kaming magkapatid (although sometimes you can put it that way), pero dahil bestfriend ko talaga siya. Ang laking kawalan sa akin nung umalis siya. Ang hirap. Tatawag yan halos araw-araw para lang umiyak sa amin. Ang nanay kong praning, panay ang dasal na sana hindi mag-crash ang eroplano. At ako, dahil bata pa ako non, wala naman akong kayang gawin kundi ang umiyak. Ngunit nang magsimula na syang magpadala ng pictures sa bawat lugar na mapuntahan niya, nung nakatikim na siya ng snow at naakyat na ang Eiffel Tower, humupa rin ang pagda-drama. Kasabay ng pagdating ng mga pasalubong na branded na damit galing kay ate, naging masaya ako para sa kanya. Iilan lang ba ang sinuswerte na gawin ang gusto talaga nila sa buhay? Nakakatuwang isipin na isa ron ang ate ko.

Siyempre may kapalit ito. Maswerte na lang na magkita kami ng tatlong beses sa isang taon. Nabuhay kami sa snail mail, chat at email. Sa bawat pagkikita namin, napansin ko na marami na rin ang nag-iba sa kanya. Siguro dahil na rin sa pagkatapos ng kolehiyo, kinailangan niya nang mamuhay mag-isa, makisalamuha sa iba't ibang lahi, tumira sa lugar na hindi pwdeng magsimba tuwing Linggo dagdag pa ang unti-unting pagkasira ng body clock. Ngunit kahit malayo siya, hindi naman nawala talaga si ate. Siya pa rin yung dating masungit pag minsan pero maalalahanin. Sabog madalas pero bumabawi sa pagkalambing. Ganon yata talaga. Kapag hindi mo madalas makasama ang isang tao, mas bibigyan mo ng halaga ang bawat pagkakataon na meron kayo. Wala naman talagang nagbago kahit pa flawless at mukhang mayaman na siya ngayon. Para sa akin, siya pa rin galisin kong ate na gumawa ng mga projects ko nung gradeschool.

Kahapon pinaalala niya sa akin na magsasalita ako sa reception ng kasal niya. Natawa ako. Sabi ko “Pwede bang sabihin ko ‘Sa wakas, kinasal na rin! Bwahahaha!” Pero sa totoo lang, nung sinabi niya na may speech akong dapat gawin, parang biglang nagkaroon ng sinigwelas sa lalamunan ko. Natakot talaga ako. Baka magkalat ako o kaya naman matameme sa kaba. Baka masabi ko na excited na akong makita ang mga sutil nyang anak na mana sa kanya. Baka bantaan ko ang magiging asawa niya na magkamali lang siya sa kapatid ko at lintik lang ang walang ganti. Pero higit sa lahat, natakot ako dahil baka masabi ko na mami-miss ko sya. Baka masabi ko na siya lang ang hinayupak kong bestfriend at nalulungkot ako dahil mag-iiba na ang lahat pagkatapos ng gabing yun. Baka hindi ako makapag-joke sa speech ko at umiyak na lang ako sa halu-halong emosyon na tuwa, lungkot at takot. Baka pagkaiyak ko, kumalat eyeliner ko. Baka magmistulang teledrama ang kasal ni ate maiyak din nanay at tatay ko. Haaay... Ayoko na ata. Iniisip ko pa lang, nanghihina na ako.

Mali pala ako. Now, I can’t believe my sister is getting married.

Commencement Exercises

2006-05-31T15:13:00.000+08:00

Surreal. This is indeed surreal. Ngayon ang last day ng project ko.

I’m marking this day - May 31, 330pm – Manila RPAS Support now commencing. Grabe! Natatawa ako sa tuwa. Unbelievable! Amazing! Astounding! Akalain mo nga namang ang project na nagsimula sa Atlanta ng August 2002, inuwi sa Manila ng December 2003 ay may katapusan din pala.

Hindi ka siguro maka-relate. Weno naman ngayon? Blog ko naman ‘to. Pwede ko isulat kahit anong gusto ko di ba? Pero dahil mabait ako, mag-e-expound ako ng slight para naman madamayan niyo ako sa tuwa ko.

Ganto kasi yon…

Project is equal to x no. of deliverables committed to a client for a certain period of time. Nakakontrata ka sa isang client para maging slave nila at ibigay ang kanilang ‘demands’ according to the business need. Sa barok na paliwanag, ikaw, sampu ng iyong grupo ay tila mga nakakulong na genie na may tungkulin na sundin ang bawat hiling nila sa bawat himas nila sa lampara mo. But then there is no such thing as free lunch. Sinuswelduhan ka naman ng kumpanya mo na kinuha ng client nyo at ang client nyo binabayaran ang kumpanya mo. Gets mo na ba?

Kung hindi pa rin, sorry na lang. Tamad na ako mag-explain.

Flashbaaaaackkk….

Ito ang kauna-unahang project ko (not counting my on-loan project in CIO…another story). Ito ang project na inaral ko sa Atlanta at matapos ang 14 buwan, inuwi ko sa Manila office namin para simulan. Sa loob ng panahong yon, maraming nangyari. Name it, I think I’ve gone through it. Lumipad ng 10 beses to and from Orange County (galing Atlanta at Pinas). Natutong mag-drive ng automatic sa freeway. Nagka-long distance relationship at pagkatapos ng 7 buwan, nakipag-break. Nagkaron ulit ng boyfriend pag-uwi ng Pinas at yes nahulaan mo, nag-break din! Naranasang mag-gym na parang wala ng bukas. Nag-shop sa outlet tuwing sale na parang wala ng bukas. Nagluto ng vegetarian dishes for 3 weeks dahil trip lang. Na-promote ako twice (yes!). Natutong mag-smoke at nag-quit din after 3 months. Natutong mamuhay mag-isa. Naaksidente sa freeway. Nawala sa freeway. Umiyak habang nakikipag-usap sa fone dahil sa homesick at dahil namatay si Chinny (RIP my everdearest guinea pig). Nag-birthday mag-isa habang kumakain ng ice cream at cake na ako mismo ang bumili. Nag-birthday sa NY. Nag-thanksgiving sa Vegas. Nag-photoshoot kasama ang kapatid ko sa Washington DC. Nakakita ng snowflake upclose and personal. Nakaipon ng pera. Naubos din ang pera. Napamahal sa Kroger, Sam’s, Marshall’s at Filipino Store at sa mga sandamakmak na discount coupons. Isinumpa ang Winter. Sinamba ang re-runs ng Ally McBeal, Friends at Will and Grace. Ginawang ritual ang American Idol. Sunduin ng buong tropa sa airport ng 11pm twice. At higit sa lahat nag-aral at nagtrabaho ng sukdulan para lang hindi isipin ng mga Kano na walang utak mga Pinoy. And when my neurons failed me, nag-pretend na alam ko ang ginagawa ko kahit hindi (image is everything…hehehe).

Kung iisa-isahin ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin sa loob ng 3 taon, hindi ko na matatapos ang blog entry na ito. Pero sa lahat ng mga nangyari, ang pinakamahalaga ay napatunayan ko na sobra-sobra ang biyayang natanggap at natatanggap ko. Siksik, luglog at umaapaw. At parang hindi pa nakuntento ang Diyos, binigyan pa Niya ako ng mga totoong tao na hanggang ngayon kaibigan ko pa rin. Dahil din sa mga pasaway na ito, napag-host ako ng 2 office events (Bb. Retek and Retek Christmas Party), napasali ako sa caroling (at yes, nanalo kami!) nung Christmas Party pa rin, napakanta ako nung Valentine’s party (na pinagsisisihan ko pa rin hanggang ngayon), na-chismis ako sa office na hindi ko alam (good chismis naman so ok lang). In short, I’ve met people who made me come out of my shell. Dati sobrang konti lang ng naniniwala sa akin kapag sinasabi ko na mahiyain talaga ako. Ngayon, wala na talagang naniniwala sa akin. :)

Looking back, all along I thought I made this project (of course feeling naman ako masyado kung sabihin kong mag-isa lang ako. syempre, kasama ang teammates ko!). But the truth is, this project made me. I definitely had the time of my life.

Tapos na nga talaga? Totoo na ‘to? Paki-kurot nga ako….

Royal Tru-Orange

2006-05-29T12:57:00.000+08:00

Alam mo, iba ka. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Basta alam ko lang iba ka. Masaya. Maaliwalas. Ikaw ang nagpaalala sa akin na hindi pala ako laging abala sa trabaho, pamilya at sa sandamakmak na problema ng mga kaibigan kong hinahanapan ko ng solusyon sa ngayon. May oras pala ako para matuwa.

Tama na nga ‘to! Ayoko na magpaka-baduy at isa-isahin pa kung anong pakiramdam kapag nasa paligid ka…Basta yun na yun.

Ano ba! Hindi na ‘to highschool! Alam ko bumebwelo ka lang. Kahit sila, nagkakaron na rin ng ideya. Halata raw na naaliw ka sa kababawan ko. Kahit ang kabaklaan ko, naaatim mo. Parang trivia mo ngang kinalat sa mga kakilala mo na mas malakas akong kumain kesa sayo. Sige. Aaminin ko nang napapaisip ako. Kasabay ng pag-iisip ko, nag-iingat ako sa mga kinikilos at sinasabi ko sayo. Takot kasi ako. Takot ako para sayo.

Maraming beses na akong natanong ng mga tao sa paligid. ‘Ano, meron ba?’ Siyempre, girl scout ako. Laging handa ang ‘Huh? Si Zoolander*? Ano ba? Wala yun noh! Friends lang kami’.

O di ba? Nakakainis. Ang plastik! It’s so THE BUZZ! Sa totoo lang, kahit ako naiinis. Alam ko may dahilan ang pag-iwas ko. Sana nga nagpapakipot lang ako. Pero hindi. Desidido na ako. Hindi ko na hihintaying magtapat ka. Uunahan na kita.

Wala pa man lang, tinatapos ko na.

Maniwala ka na ilang ulit ko nang pinag-isipan ito at wala akong makitang mali sayo. Ang mali mo lang, pinili mo ang isang lokaret na tulad ko. Hindi ito ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ na drama. Sorry. Mas malala ito.

Kung may tao mang maaari kong buhusan ng atensiyon, ikaw na yon. Pinagdasal ko na ito. Kinulit ko na ang Diyos at kahit ano pang paglulupasay ang gawin ko, hindi talaga umiilaw ang radar na ikaw ang laan Niya para sa akin. May kung anumang nagsasabi na panandalian lang ito. Nakikini-kinita ko na ang mangyayari kaya’t habang maaga pa, isasalba na kita sa pagdaraanan mo. Tama na. Hindi ako magbibigay ng mixed signals at hindi kita pag-iisipin na may pag-asa ka. Mas gugustuhin kong ilaan mo na lang ang pagpraktis ng pagsabi ng ‘I love you’ sa babaeng nararapat para sayo.

Teka, pwede bang mag-ilusyon ako na hindi ka galit?

Siguro nga kahit ipaliwanag ko pa, hindi mo rin maiintindihan dahil kahit ako, nalalabuan sa desisyon ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako nakakatiyak na maging ‘tayo’ man, hindi tayo magtatagal. Basta alam ko lang sigurado ako. Ngayon lang ako naniwala sa cliché na ‘when you know, you know.’

Sad to say, this time, I know.

Sige na. Magalit ka na. Gusto ko na nga magpagupit bukas dahil kapag nalaman ng mga babaeng naloloka sayo ang kabaliwan kong ito, tiyak na masasabunutan ako. Kahangalan na tanggihan ang isang tulad mo. Mabait, may utak, matino kausap, may direksyon sa buhay, may paninindigan at higit sa lahat, cute at tanggap ako bilang ako. Ano bang kulang? Ano ba talaga ang gusto ko?

Gusto ko hanapin mo ang nararapat para sayo dahil kung meron mang dapat maging masaya, ikaw yun. Gusto ko makasama mo siya sa lalong madaling panahon. Ayokong humadlang sa kung anuman at kung sino man ang naghihintay sayo. Ayokong simulan natin ‘to kung hindi rin naman natin kayang panindigan. Ayokong sayangin ang oras mo.

Tutal nandito na rin lang, kakapalan ko na mukha ko.

May isa pa akong gusto. Kapag hindi ka na galit at sa tingin mo hindi naman kalabisan, gusto sana kitang maging kaibigan. Pramis. Hindi ito dahil masyado na akong maraming baklang kasama at gusto kong madagdagan naman ang mga ‘straight’ kong kaibigan (pero pwede mo ring isipin na ganon). Gusto kitang maging kaibigan dahil wala na akong ibang nanaisin kundi ang manatili kang bahagi ng buhay ko.

Alam mo, iba ka nga talaga. Hindi pa man lang kita nasisimulang mahalin, pero minahal na kita.

*hindi niya tunay na pangalan